I think I was just dumped…

Now as strange as that sounds… I think I just got dumped. Considering a) we weren’t in a relationship b) we were just friends I am not sure how else to describe the phone call I just received.

For weeks we have been talking and texting, sharing so much about our lives and having a good laugh. We talked through so many topics, from music, relationships, religion, career choices, you name it we talked about it. There were the caring sincere messages when he knew I was feeling down. The consideration for my life and the many multifaceted components, the poet came out in both of us, the world seemed so much brighter and then… WHAM!!

He admitted that he has found feelings for me, and that he wears his heart on his sleeve and he can’t do this anymore… do what?? We are friends, not lovers, not partners … just friends.  He feels that by being friends it is betraying the relationship that I have with my husband. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH

This goes back to a problem that seems to exist …. why can’t a male and a female be friends? It is actually quite sad, and something has bugged me for a while … why can’t I have male friends that are my friends but not “our” friends. Why is this considered so bad or a betrayal towards my husband? I think it goes down the line of emotional cheating but can one person really provide another with absolutely everything in life?

It was a real shock and slightly devastating for a person I considered a friend just up and leave our friendship. But I understand why he has made that decision.  He unfortunately has started to develop feelings for me and is concerned that if my marriage did fail and he was in any way a small part of it he couldn’t forgive himself. It was quite hard for me to think that just being me could cause someone so much hurt and I know he was sad, I never heard him sad, his voice normally so happy and full of joy was solemn and quiet.  The light had gone from his voice, and that makes me feel sad.

It was hard pressing the delete button, knowing there was no point in keeping him in my phone. But there was one message that I don’t want to ever loose. As such I commit this message to the internet, hoping one day that maybe if things change that the universe allow our paths to cross again…

“On a burgundy day like this. I think the jungle mentality has lifted its capacity to a realistic momentum growth. In light of that. I hope you have a great day.”

There is one more message that also sums up how I was feeling during these two weeks:

“As the sun sets on another day, I wish it was yesterday again. But if it was yesterday the memory I have wouldn’t exist, and the hope of more just a dream.”

To my friend who took my spirit to so many different levels, increased the number of smiles throughout my day, who took the time to check on me from time to time and to ask if I am ok. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for the time you invested in me.

My friend I know you are a spiritual person and this verse I think sums up what you were trying to say to me in our last phone call. Luke 3:5 “Every valley will be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be bought low; and the crooked shall be made straight and the rough ways shall be made smooth.”

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Good girl

What thoughts do you associate with the words, “good girl”.  I find it as a woman quite a demeaning term, and I generally take offence. Maybe if someone says it once then it is ok… but more than once in the same phone conversation and the steam starts to fly out my ears.

Of course when you are in a situation where you want everything to be rosy, you never express to the person saying, “good girl” how annoyed you are at that expression. This unfortunately, means my gutt feeling is that this lovely week of fulfillment (emotionally) and tenderness is about to come crashing down around my ears.  AGAIN! Shame really as I cleaned up too, and that doesn’t happen very often.

This week I heard on the radio a discussion about girls who stay with / attracted to males who treat them badly, all the callers are like, noooo never! Well I would like to say this… the nice ones, the gentlemen, the keepers … never seem to stick. The ones that aren’t the best well they stick around, and why do we put up with their crap, because they show just a little bit of interest in us. As a female we need to be needed.

Speaking of the crap ones, I just culled a friend of 30 years from my life. It was part of me retreating from the world. He was good for me years ago, but in the last few years he has treated me like crap. I must say eventhough I was treated like crap by him, I kept going back for more crappy friendship. Well no more, I set off an atomic bomb, got called on it and instead of dealing with the situation, apologising and cleaning up the mess, I just pressed delete, delete, delete!

It is hard to delete and remove people from your life and there is a grieving process. But I have started reading a website tinybuddha.com It does have some good thoughts and it isn’t all about Buddhism either. I am learning that I need to forgive myself and start projecting what I want into the world.

On a completely different tangent, I am actually moving back to my marital home in approximately 2 months, where I will work side by side with my husband. This will be an interesting experience for both of us, not withstanding that I have no mechanical sense and I am being given a big machine to drive. Plus after years of not living together, we are going to live and work together… ahh the joys of married life.

Time to retreat

Well its time to press the retreat button…. It might not be the right solution but retreating for the next 7 to 10 weeks. In 7 weeks I have to move again and in 10 weeks I finish uni.

With so much going on it seems easier to press the retreat button, its not like I am giving up but self preservation (and a bit of self discovery) must be at the top of my list. I feel I keep making wrong decisions and getting into a bigger mess each time. I want to be positive, happy and smiling.  Feeling like I am moving towards a goal that I want to achieve and be on a path that I feel is the right one.

So with that in mind, I removed a friend of 30 years from my phone and facebook this morning who used me and lied to me, then blamed me when his lies came back to bite him. After 30 years of friendship (including 7 years of relationship) he never once asked how I was through all the issues I have recently experienced. So he just met with the delete button, so a bit of grieving has just started as he sees my parents as his second set of parents. Also his family are unimpressed with him. I accept responsibility for what I said, and the consequences of my actions, and the fallout but I deserve better!

Also seriously considering withdrawing the VRO to save me attending court and dealing with that mess at the end of this month. Better to withdraw that put myself through more stress. It isn’t what I want to do, but I have to pick my battles and this is one I am not prepared to fight, right now. I am sure he will see it as he has “won” but from where I sit everything feels like a loss.

My focus has to be on getting through uni, especially as it is a group assignment, deciding on where I am going to live for 2012. I am actually considering several options after uni, firstly moving back to rural Australia, staying put in the city finding my own place, or drastic measures – leaving on a jet plane. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger so the leaving on a jet plane option would be drastic, but I feel the need to be drastic.

Then there is the decision if I am going to try to have children in 2012, this is actually a really hard decision, as the success might not happen due to the nature of the IVF process. Of course there are many relationship issues to be considered out as well as if I decide to take the children path then it will influence the path I decide for myself.

Well my head hurts… I need to get some work done… and hope that some brightness can be found it what is currently a gloomy day.

These drastic decisions is the main reason for hitting retreat. I am sure there will be lots of tears and grieving over the next few months. Grieving might not be the right word but it feels like I am loosing myself and in this process of self discovery I might loose more of myself. Maybe I need to find a good self help book … it can’t be any worse than the self help I am giving myself right now.

Fantasy land still crumbling

Well I have been a responsible adult and thus I feel I am loosing any chance I thought I had of retreating to fantasy land. Yesterday I was enjoying day-dreaming about my fantasy land, then last night I was brought crashing back to reality.

When you feel unwell, as I currently do now (thanks to putting myself on a high does antibiotic and back on the pill), sympathy, love, attention, caring from your significant other is what one craves. Alas I received the “there there you’ll be alright”, tap tap on the shoulder. No real concern, or can I get you anything, is there anything I can do?

Can someone please explain to me why men (in particular) don’t seem to understand the importance of being proactive when they have a sick partner? Is it that they are wired differently or do I just pick the ones that don’t have a clue? After all these years, and it has been a significant number, he hasn’t changed. I know you can’t make a leopard change it’s spots but I thought that eventually I would be able to get him to see logic. Partner sick – take up the slack!

Now I am not sick, take me to hospital or doctor sick, I am “sick” due to the high doses of medication I am subjecting myself to. I am “sick” because I haven’t had more than 1 week to myself to do nothing for the last 5 years. I am “sick” because working full time, studying 52 weeks a year and running at least one, sometimes 2 businesses is exhausting. For 3 years I haven’t had a break from study / work / business and I have had enough. I am “sick” because all I wanted was for you to find that fluid stuff you put in cars for the steering and you told me to go to a shop.

So I have a friend who I am waiting to respond to my SMS, but because of aforementioned medication, female problems are now plaguing me, and I am not great company. I was looking forward to an evening of mentally stimulating conversation, laughs and fun. Guess that ain’t going to happen either…. farewell to fantasy land, hello reality, time to be an adult a bit longer and get on with the daily druge of life.

Another weekend gone… nothing has changed

Well I have farewelled another weekend and instead of staying in bed with my trusty DVD I accepted an offer of dinner from a couple of friends. This was actually good for me except I partook in a few alcoholic beverages, and then had to excuse myself for a phone call that was really important to me.  Unfortunately since that phone call on Saturday night there has been silence, and I yearn for a friendly supportive voice on the end of my phone. Guess my poetic side has been showing from either a) too much Ally McBeal or b) too much self pity.

Uni is back behind and I discovered a “you have not completed your task” email from the current leader of our group. This week isn’t good for me but I must commit to catching up tonight, otherwise they might start calling me names. Right now I am emotionally vunerable so I must make sure I don’t put myself in a situation where I end up in tears, over my final uni subject.

This weekend I have also nearly completed a sewing project for a friend, that must be delivered next Friday. Plus she just added to the project arrrgghhh Pressure!!!!! But of course I thrive on pressure right? We all thrive on pressure, right?

Right now I want to be held and made to feel safe and placed on a pedastall, without a care in the world. Unfortunately that is not my reality, and I suspect not anyone I know or anyone reading. But we can only dream.

Oh and reality has just come crashing down, urgent things piling up on my desk, guess I have to return to my current reality. Shame really I was just starting to drift into my fantasy world, where I want to make my fantasy’s turn into reality… oh that’s right, that’s only in fairy tales. And to date I haven’t had a fairy tale come true…. yet.

When you are wrong…

When you are wrong it is always important to admit it, the “we have to talk” I spoke about yesterday was all in my head. Now this is an absolute first but I must say it reminds us that our gut feelings can be wrong. But there is something still isn’t quite right. So maybe my gut feeling is predicting something, but only time will tell.

I also thought after all the late nights and hard work that I would fall into bed and sleep until at least 10am. WRONG!!! Why is it when you can curl up for hours on end and get some decent sleep your brain feels the need to wake you up nice and early. For me right now my sleep debt is so far in the red that no amount of extra sleep will restore it to neutral again. Whilst I have slept I feel just as bad as I have all week.

Exhaustion is a funny thing, it means you don’t even want to do things that you need to do or want to do. This week is going to be hectic and as per usual I am leaving things. Like today, I should have been out shopping for some gifts but alas I have decided that curling up in bed with a DVD at 11am is a better use of my time. Maybe I will fall back to sleep and wake up refreshed, who knows.

Speaking of DVD’s I am about to continue my journey through Ally McBeal… those wishing to judge, the big red x on the top right hand side of this window is a great place to start. I watched this for the first time in my early 20’s and now revisiting the series in chronological order.  I should add for those that are a little emotionally bruised it really isn’t the best viewing entertainment, remind you of how bruised you really are.

But I sometimes like to torture myself and today is no different. So whilst the sun is shining, and the weather is just divine, I will put my fan on (so I stay cool), find some blankets to wrap myself up in (so I feel safe), grab the tissues just in case and see if I can find a way to smile again. Then spend my evening being a conscientious student.. final subject for my degree and I am going to make sure I get there, on time and with little stress, which means … working regularly at it!

That sinking feeling

All week I have looked forward to the coming week, having plans and really enjoying life. Then you get that sinking feeling when you look at your phone, that has barely survived its meltdown, and you see a text. When you read between the lines of what it says, they could have just written, “we need to talk”. It isn’t that “we need to talk because I have wonderful, exciting news and can’t wait to share it with you”. Its the “we need to talk” in which you know that disappointment is around the corner.

Unfortunately in this specific situation… I think I did the scaring off, which is fine. I say the word “fine” dripping with all the sarcasm and infliction that means the person saying it is at the polar end of fine. Unfortunately for the readers of this blog you are going to have to read between the lines quite often.  Maybe one day you will read a piece of fiction and remember this blog, and go hmmmm. 

Many a time I have been told to write down “the story of my life”. My life has been filled with twists, turns, unusual situations. Not all of these situations have been of my own making… but many a time they have. I never aspired to be a writer, having all those words to allow the reader to be taken into my “fantasy” world and imagine what it could have been like, those type of words escape me. But maybe I will write it for myself, use one of those new self publishing sites and buy myself a copy and know I am published, even if the only purchaser is myself.

But I digress as per usual, the sinking feeling is still there and I suspect in exactly 20 mins when I said I can accept a phone call, the “we need to talk” will come true. Life is an accumulation of memories and experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. Life always continues to go on.. I refuse for it not to. The ride of my life continues, a bit like a never ending roller coaster, with highs and lows. But for what its worth, despite the highest peaks and the lowest lows…. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

When it rains, it pours!

Not really the real type of rain but it seems the universe listened to me whinging earlier this month about communication and manners and all that jazz, now I fear my phone is going to melt.

So that is a lesson to all of us, don’t complain if you aren’t interested in the consequences. It is nice feeling popular, for many years I was that person who had a phone, that did nothing but live like a brick in the bottom of my bag. A very expensive brick I might add! But now it is about to melt due to overuse, it makes you think about how attached to technology we have become.

When I have forgotten my phone, even when it wasn’t about to go into meltdown mode, I felt like I had lost a limb. Is it the security of having it with you in case of an emergency or is it the convenience or is it.. and I suspect this is the main reason …. so you can be connected 24/7. Because every message is important, every phone call needs your urgent attention. I am the person who can ignore my phone, and terrible at returning messages but that little flashing light saying, “You have mail!” (well it doesn’t say that but you get the idea) can be so attractive and distracting.

But for now I am during the day leaving my phone on silent, because due to a strange thing it the little green light doesn’t flash, telling me I have a message, thus I seem to not be distracted by it as much. But I must go and pay a visit to my telephone provider because the plan I am on is going to cost me a fortune if my phone continues to melt. Wish me luck, my telephone provider is known for being completely useless, and a plan change seems no different!

 

Holding a conversation

Last night I spent over an hour just talking to a friend. We talked about random stuff in our lives and just generally chatted. It was unusual, over the years I have spoken to many men on the phone (lets leave that for another day!) and it is rare to find someone who can really listen and show compassion and show a real interest in a person, through just the spoken word.

He wanted to know how I was feeling, what I was doing, he seemed genuinely interested in making sure I was ok. But there in lies the problem, does he know that whilst I enjoy his friendship, that there is a fine line between relationship and friendship?

Over the last few months I have spoken to friends about how much we share with a friend, particularly one of the opposite sex to us. If you aren’t sharing all these things with your partner, then would be considered an emotional affair? Well whilst I polled primarily married women the answer is simple.. yes … but.. and there is always a but… if you have shared these feelings with your partner then it isn’t, it can only be considered an emotional affair if you aren’t sharing these feelings with your significant other.

For many women, the problem is not loving or caring for your significant other, it is the fact that the male species isn’t wired to be gentle and compassionate. Society tells them that they should be tough and strong, and that signs of emotional vunerability is frowned upon. Thus through their upbringing males are often not able to show that compassionate side to their significant other and women being primarily an emotional being, this can lead to well.. problems.

Does this mean I will stop talking to my friend, absolutely not, he really made me smile from within.  Will we at some stage have to have the discussion about where I am in my relationship, absolutely. Will it happen on our next phone call, no. I think this is a conversation to be had face to face because whilst boys might think they are all tough, I am sure as we have this conversation and I look into his eyes, a little piece of his heart is going to break. And I want to see that pain and return the support and compassion that he has shown me, because being hurt isn’t fair, but at least if you are going to hurt someone, then you need to make sure they are ok.

Who invented Mondays?

I am over Monday’s, it really didn’t help when I didn’t come to work on Friday. To be honest it makes it hard every day to come to work, when I really dislike what I am doing. Note to self… accounts are not my friend, just because I can do them doesn’t mean I should.

My excuse on Friday was justified, at 7am I was at the front door of my chiropractor, I have pinched a nerve in my neck. Now firstly this would be my fault for not attending the chiropractor regularly, and secondly because I spend too many days hunched over at a computer. During the last week I would estimate, including work I spent in excess of 70 hours at a computer… too many hours and now I am paying the price.

My weekend was spent also hunched over at the computer trying to bash out an assignment that was on it’s second extension. Finally this morning I sent it off, of course I have another paper to be submitted before I play catchup to get on track with my final subject. That reminds me, someone please make sure I get certified copies of my qualifications, otherwise I can’t register for my degree and time is running out.

I need to find some fun and joy in my life right now, I keep saying it but still it hasn’t happened. Right now I want someone else to be the responsible adult and for me to be well not so responsible. Saying that I have been very irresponsible recently, I know what it is… rebellion. Not an attractive thing at my age, but I am acting like a naughty 18 year old again, actually strike that naughty 16 year old again.

Well back to the grind I go, with a fun evening of typing yet more rubbish for uni, and take-out for dinner, that is if I survive the rest of my day at work…. it is going to be a loooooooooooong day.

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