Time to retreat

Well its time to press the retreat button…. It might not be the right solution but retreating for the next 7 to 10 weeks. In 7 weeks I have to move again and in 10 weeks I finish uni.

With so much going on it seems easier to press the retreat button, its not like I am giving up but self preservation (and a bit of self discovery) must be at the top of my list. I feel I keep making wrong decisions and getting into a bigger mess each time. I want to be positive, happy and smiling.  Feeling like I am moving towards a goal that I want to achieve and be on a path that I feel is the right one.

So with that in mind, I removed a friend of 30 years from my phone and facebook this morning who used me and lied to me, then blamed me when his lies came back to bite him. After 30 years of friendship (including 7 years of relationship) he never once asked how I was through all the issues I have recently experienced. So he just met with the delete button, so a bit of grieving has just started as he sees my parents as his second set of parents. Also his family are unimpressed with him. I accept responsibility for what I said, and the consequences of my actions, and the fallout but I deserve better!

Also seriously considering withdrawing the VRO to save me attending court and dealing with that mess at the end of this month. Better to withdraw that put myself through more stress. It isn’t what I want to do, but I have to pick my battles and this is one I am not prepared to fight, right now. I am sure he will see it as he has “won” but from where I sit everything feels like a loss.

My focus has to be on getting through uni, especially as it is a group assignment, deciding on where I am going to live for 2012. I am actually considering several options after uni, firstly moving back to rural Australia, staying put in the city finding my own place, or drastic measures – leaving on a jet plane. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger so the leaving on a jet plane option would be drastic, but I feel the need to be drastic.

Then there is the decision if I am going to try to have children in 2012, this is actually a really hard decision, as the success might not happen due to the nature of the IVF process. Of course there are many relationship issues to be considered out as well as if I decide to take the children path then it will influence the path I decide for myself.

Well my head hurts… I need to get some work done… and hope that some brightness can be found it what is currently a gloomy day.

These drastic decisions is the main reason for hitting retreat. I am sure there will be lots of tears and grieving over the next few months. Grieving might not be the right word but it feels like I am loosing myself and in this process of self discovery I might loose more of myself. Maybe I need to find a good self help book … it can’t be any worse than the self help I am giving myself right now.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 14 other followers

%d bloggers like this: