Another year has nearly passed

It’s weird to think that it’s been nearly a year since I was here and so much has changed in my life. Right now I am sitting at the edge, trying to keep my head above water and not keep everyone else happy.

what I have learnt this year is its important to make yourself happy otherwise eventually your cup is empty and you have no more to give. Also. I’ve spent time learning more about my heart and how I love. It’s unique to say but I have two very important men in my life, both I love with such deepness and dedication it’s humbling. To know these men trust me unconditionally and love me unconditionally is huge.

Health wise I am playing that yoyo game and back to where I was at the beginning of the year.

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Feeling worthy

Feeling worthy is something that has been an ongoing struggle for my entire adult life. Its been a bitter pill to swallow and even when directly told I am worthy a small part of me never believes it. My personality is large, my physique is large but under all that noise and presence is a very insecure girl. Whilst a woman and moving steadily into the 2nd act of my life (over 30) and after being told repeatedly by people that I am worthy, 2014 will be getting my inner beauty to match my outer beauty and believing that I am worthy.

Self worth and self confidence whilst would appear to exist together I am proof that self confidence has nothing to do with how you perceive your self worth. Just because I appear confident and together behind closed doors and in the quiet of my own thoughts, I start to believe that I am not worthy of good things.

In order to change this 2014 is about not only being healthy in body, but also in my mind and soul. Believing in myself, not only to achieve my goals and conquer new things and believing that I am worthy of happiness. Whilst not everything in life can be a bed of roses it is time to make a conscious decision to do things from a place of happiness.

2012 was a year of doing what made me happy, as I would describe it. This wasn’t overly successful as whilst doing things that gave short term benefit it was not helping me develop my feeling of self worth over the long term. Whilst I was smiling more, my soul was not being nourished, my self worth was going down, because I was putting on yet another band-aid to my problems.

To be worthy of anything one must first believe in their own worth. To explain in words how one can describe their own self worth I will leave to the experts. For me the first step is walls, my walls have taken a beating over the last few years. In some places they are reinforced, in others they are starting to crumble and I keep working on breaking through them every day.

My first job is to understand why I carry my weight and why I have been dragging it around with me for so long.

 

 

And another year of rambling begins

Its taken me a few days to work out exactly what to write for the first post of 2014, so many ideas and not enough energy to get them down. I’m blaming the solar flares but deep down its also because I am scared.

The start of 2014 was the most bizarre situation culminating in me skippering the couple I never thought I would see together. Ironically I had met her before…. if the aftermath means our paths never cross, whilst my heart will be heavy it will be complete. He takes me to places that I never think I can go, brings down walls, makes me feel alive.  He only did what he knew I was ready for, I did ask if she knew I existed. Now he helped put faces to the names, galant, dangerous, and has my friend base split 50/50.

Some think that is was horrid that he asked me to drive him and his date to her house. Well technically he said lift home, but never said whose. Yes, it would have been nice to spend some time with him, but not 2am been out all night. I would rather keep my memories intact with a great ending to 2013 (albeit a day early) and my ‘last’ NY kiss was his.

So this second day of 2014 allowed me to create new routines, including reading, swimming and beach walking. Returning to old haunts for my traditional, ‘one nutritious meal’ a week but instead of journal articles it was a good book and a vodka spiked LLB. Now I round out the evening with good music, the last few chapters of Book #4 and the incoming tide under the stars.

As happy as I am there is something missing……… I need to find that last puzzle piece.

December 31, 2013

Well hello to the morning of the last day of 2013, this morning talking (and assisted with last nights entertainment) has made finally seen the full circle complete.

So this is how (minus the entertainment) I will be starting my days, minus the smoking and minus the caffiene, getting to know not only myself but 2014 as well. Not on that verandah because it will soon belong to someone else, but I will always fondly remember that steel grey blue walls and decking fondly. It was a morning I will never forget, we spoke honestly again, I felt comfortable, that sparkle came back. Finally I can walk away feeling content that the right people are looking out for him and that he is being kinder to himself.

This morning I made a slip saying good riddance to 2003 instead of 2013. Today is the end of a long 19 year cycle, when a new moon will greet the new year with us. The circle is complete but all the lessons from 2013 and the past 19 years haven’t all fully shown themselves, but Im working on that.

My parting gift to myself for 2013… 6 weeks in a retreat when the inner and outer journey will collide. Tonight I will see what the night shall bring me but as always I will face it with a smile, alone, with friends (old or new) or in dream world 2014 will be my year, not because I made a resolution but because I am worthy. Sometimes I don’t believe it but after enough people saying it for the last 2 years, either their record is broken or it’s time to believe in my own self worth and face the world, with open heart and mind.

2013 is nearly over…

Well with 2013 nearly over, embarking on a new journey seems written in the stars and in my life. Travelling has become a big focus for me recently, yet again travel to the East Coast beckons.

This is a year of rebirth for me, moving toward my next goal, its tiring. But what I am enjoying is reflecting on all that 2013 and previous years right back to being 18 have given me.

24 hours I will be sitting on a plane waiting to travel the 2800 miles to my new location for the next few months. It will be a struggle but its something I am prepared to give my all. Now to finally tell my family what is happening, on the day of my departure, not looking forward to it at all.

 

Season Greetings

That should cover everyone. Don’t mind if you do or don’t celebrate, I’m a little of both whilst comprehending the religious concept, and that other religious have different viewpoints or don’t follow it, have something different, or abstain, enjoy the summer season.

Really not a good person around the holidays, trying to not celebrate but ensuring everyone has somewhere to be. We came back from the city to ensure everyone had somewhere to share a meal for Christmas. It was nice only the three of us, but right now I am in no shape to entertain, left it up to my long suffering husband. Wasn’t feeling too bad until I saw my foot. Really should learn to stumble better, and I wasn’t even drunk. 

Finally I properly cleaned out my wound (2 days later), recovered and will leave for two days. The karma I get back for helping out a friend with his wound and back, lets see if mine heals as nicely.

2013 is about to draw to a close, my job is to relax and walk the beach, trying to cut down on my smoking, relaxing reading books, drinking good coffee. Preparing myself for complete limitation in the coming weeks on caffeine, no cigarettes, hard exercise and seminars on being healthy with a good dose of tough love. Only 72 hours to go until my journey begins.

Owl

Reading a post on Facebook I was excited to see some gaelic and was about to show off my new word when the meaning was read.

I always look forward to seeings owls, they make me happy, but in so many cultures they are bad, evil and associated with sorcery.

Its is the fact they are so silent that I admire their magestic features and beautiful face.

Eachto their own, I will just let each moment shared with these night wanders be a blessing and uplifting experience.

Just because its on Facebook its doesn’thave to be aspired to.

Taking care of yourself but not hiding

There is a fine line between hiding from life and ensuring that you allocate, guilt free, time to recharge your batteries. This week two points in time crossed and 12 months had passed since the two had spent time actually catching up. The similarities were that we for a period of time were only capable of taking care of ourselves, other people relied on us (one in a more significant way than the other) and we struggled to accept help from others. Finances ruled in the year gone past, one struggling one being completely frivolous under the guise of ‘me time’ but blown to all extravagances. 

The vast difference was whilst one person, really was surrounded by people who loved him, family in the traditional and non-traditional, the other was sent/allowed/coerced/instigated floating like a breeze with no fixed plans, in hiding from family ensuring they couldn’t help as slowly she died inside. Extravagance a cry for help, someone to hold her and allow those walls to crumble and the beauty from inside shine. For these two people whose lives intersected for a period of time, now must part ways, tides have changed, but without this crossing of lines, growth would never have been achived on both sides. 

But during those times of passing, they have confided, shared and uplifed each other. Then as time, and lives move on, one finds where their heart lies, in family not always the traditional kind, but a blending, the other bound by tradition and desperately fighting at its boundaries. Surrounding himself, even if initially with reluctance, those who really care, he lets them in. She now knows she can only be an hour of distraction, a ship passing in the night, rarely gracing the shores and will become as time continues to pass will become a relic of the past.

She works herself into a frenzy and then vanishes, but never wanting to fully vanish, somehow throwing words, to the universe, hoping they find resolution. Never stopping to slow down and think, never being able to find the words, to fully explain her world. Unable to find that connection that she thinks exists but doesn’t. She calculates based on the known and decides that the unknown can be left to the cosmos the decide. The future, will only show if the web will hold or disentegrate before her eyes, check mate on the game will be played. Despite her arrogance, she knows, no one can outplay the universe. 

The resolution she so desperate seeks, doesn’t lie in a song she can relate to all the words and see your face. The answer will not be found in a far-away land if you are hiding from your reality. But to escape and be free as a bird, to soar, to laugh, to be still, to be uplifted, to be invigorated lets that spark start to remerge. As the age of junkets draws to a close, one must hold onto the memories, the compliments, the looks and remember it with fondness. She threw away the tinket that she thought would hold all answers, leaving it with the ones who are here now, holding the strength and deserving of your love.

She threw herself towards the bottom of the heap, not caring about what tomorrow may bring. More careless than carefree but finding solace and resolution in that one place. Always wishing for more time, never wanting to be more than a few meagre belongings and happy, because comfortable comes with an ache that nothing can fill. She wants the fairy tale, but those that she has tried to cast are never what she needs because she took what was on offer rather than finding the right fit.

 

The Wedding

Bones, the wedding between Seely Booth and Temperance Brennan. YES!

The ceremony is going on and she makes a point of to beng given away as property. I was the same at my wedding, but not so directly.

Beautiful,words Booth… And of course Temperance, you do speak with your mouth. But those words were writAnn and spoken from the heart.

The Wall

A wall can mean many things in different circumstances. To steal a line (that I can,t remember’ from a movie on the Rom Channel … The (insert latin or greek or some other relevant language here) Greek have 13 or 14 different ways to say love, and English has one.

Wall is the same, I have an emotional wall, physical wall like the one that holds up your house. The ‘wall of paperwork’ or the ‘wall of washing’.

Then there is ‘the wall’. A location within my parents house that holds awards, academic awards. It’s become a game in my household in which pieces of paper are collected and mounted upon this wall. It makes my parents proud and keeps them somewhere safe.

In order to finally get ‘one more’ certificate on the wall, my Saturday will be filled with organising a portfolio to gain another certificate. Interestingly the lowest on my academic statement another Vocational Certificate to broaden, yet again, my scope of qualification.

One month to go before another year is wound now, the ups and downs of the last 4 years. Four years filled with planes, trains and automobiles, I can even legally drive one now. From living in glitz and glamour to camping in soggy waterlogged field, from business class to bogan class, Ive done it all. Weather boards to a brick and tile, inside a transportable box to luxury apartment living. Surrounded by. Mountains of belongings, spread across 3 houses to 23kg of luggage to sustain me for a month. Finding my items in storage facilities, displayed in perfect locations to back sheds under tarpaulins.

Well no more time for wishful thinking, it’s noose to the grind and a day of study and domestic bliss.

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