2013 is nearly over…

Well with 2013 nearly over, embarking on a new journey seems written in the stars and in my life. Travelling has become a big focus for me recently, yet again travel to the East Coast beckons.

This is a year of rebirth for me, moving toward my next goal, its tiring. But what I am enjoying is reflecting on all that 2013 and previous years right back to being 18 have given me.

24 hours I will be sitting on a plane waiting to travel the 2800 miles to my new location for the next few months. It will be a struggle but its something I am prepared to give my all. Now to finally tell my family what is happening, on the day of my departure, not looking forward to it at all.

 

A day to remember

In Australia the 11/11 is Remembrance Day, where we pause at 11am to remember those who have fallen fighting for our country. I did appreciate that today that the commercial radio station I was listening to had 1 minute silence and then played the last post, it was moving and very symbolic of how important this day is in Australia.

Today whilst an important national day will also be remembered by me as the day that my husband allowed me to take a solo holiday.

As I type this post (badly because I have fake nails on for a friends wedding in a week), I am sitting at the airport waiting to take the first of 3 flights, which in approximately 15 hours will land me in Fiji.

I am off to relax, with a book, maybe a laptop and think and ponder and just unwind. It is the first time I have traveled solo in over a decade.

I better log off, boarding starts in 10 minutes and I like to be looking semi organised.

I think I was just dumped…

Now as strange as that sounds… I think I just got dumped. Considering a) we weren’t in a relationship b) we were just friends I am not sure how else to describe the phone call I just received.

For weeks we have been talking and texting, sharing so much about our lives and having a good laugh. We talked through so many topics, from music, relationships, religion, career choices, you name it we talked about it. There were the caring sincere messages when he knew I was feeling down. The consideration for my life and the many multifaceted components, the poet came out in both of us, the world seemed so much brighter and then… WHAM!!

He admitted that he has found feelings for me, and that he wears his heart on his sleeve and he can’t do this anymore… do what?? We are friends, not lovers, not partners … just friends.  He feels that by being friends it is betraying the relationship that I have with my husband. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHH

This goes back to a problem that seems to exist …. why can’t a male and a female be friends? It is actually quite sad, and something has bugged me for a while … why can’t I have male friends that are my friends but not “our” friends. Why is this considered so bad or a betrayal towards my husband? I think it goes down the line of emotional cheating but can one person really provide another with absolutely everything in life?

It was a real shock and slightly devastating for a person I considered a friend just up and leave our friendship. But I understand why he has made that decision.  He unfortunately has started to develop feelings for me and is concerned that if my marriage did fail and he was in any way a small part of it he couldn’t forgive himself. It was quite hard for me to think that just being me could cause someone so much hurt and I know he was sad, I never heard him sad, his voice normally so happy and full of joy was solemn and quiet.  The light had gone from his voice, and that makes me feel sad.

It was hard pressing the delete button, knowing there was no point in keeping him in my phone. But there was one message that I don’t want to ever loose. As such I commit this message to the internet, hoping one day that maybe if things change that the universe allow our paths to cross again…

“On a burgundy day like this. I think the jungle mentality has lifted its capacity to a realistic momentum growth. In light of that. I hope you have a great day.”

There is one more message that also sums up how I was feeling during these two weeks:

“As the sun sets on another day, I wish it was yesterday again. But if it was yesterday the memory I have wouldn’t exist, and the hope of more just a dream.”

To my friend who took my spirit to so many different levels, increased the number of smiles throughout my day, who took the time to check on me from time to time and to ask if I am ok. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, for the time you invested in me.

My friend I know you are a spiritual person and this verse I think sums up what you were trying to say to me in our last phone call. Luke 3:5 “Every valley will be filled, and every mountain and hill shall be bought low; and the crooked shall be made straight and the rough ways shall be made smooth.”

Good girl

What thoughts do you associate with the words, “good girl”.  I find it as a woman quite a demeaning term, and I generally take offence. Maybe if someone says it once then it is ok… but more than once in the same phone conversation and the steam starts to fly out my ears.

Of course when you are in a situation where you want everything to be rosy, you never express to the person saying, “good girl” how annoyed you are at that expression. This unfortunately, means my gutt feeling is that this lovely week of fulfillment (emotionally) and tenderness is about to come crashing down around my ears.  AGAIN! Shame really as I cleaned up too, and that doesn’t happen very often.

This week I heard on the radio a discussion about girls who stay with / attracted to males who treat them badly, all the callers are like, noooo never! Well I would like to say this… the nice ones, the gentlemen, the keepers … never seem to stick. The ones that aren’t the best well they stick around, and why do we put up with their crap, because they show just a little bit of interest in us. As a female we need to be needed.

Speaking of the crap ones, I just culled a friend of 30 years from my life. It was part of me retreating from the world. He was good for me years ago, but in the last few years he has treated me like crap. I must say eventhough I was treated like crap by him, I kept going back for more crappy friendship. Well no more, I set off an atomic bomb, got called on it and instead of dealing with the situation, apologising and cleaning up the mess, I just pressed delete, delete, delete!

It is hard to delete and remove people from your life and there is a grieving process. But I have started reading a website tinybuddha.com It does have some good thoughts and it isn’t all about Buddhism either. I am learning that I need to forgive myself and start projecting what I want into the world.

On a completely different tangent, I am actually moving back to my marital home in approximately 2 months, where I will work side by side with my husband. This will be an interesting experience for both of us, not withstanding that I have no mechanical sense and I am being given a big machine to drive. Plus after years of not living together, we are going to live and work together… ahh the joys of married life.

Time to retreat

Well its time to press the retreat button…. It might not be the right solution but retreating for the next 7 to 10 weeks. In 7 weeks I have to move again and in 10 weeks I finish uni.

With so much going on it seems easier to press the retreat button, its not like I am giving up but self preservation (and a bit of self discovery) must be at the top of my list. I feel I keep making wrong decisions and getting into a bigger mess each time. I want to be positive, happy and smiling.  Feeling like I am moving towards a goal that I want to achieve and be on a path that I feel is the right one.

So with that in mind, I removed a friend of 30 years from my phone and facebook this morning who used me and lied to me, then blamed me when his lies came back to bite him. After 30 years of friendship (including 7 years of relationship) he never once asked how I was through all the issues I have recently experienced. So he just met with the delete button, so a bit of grieving has just started as he sees my parents as his second set of parents. Also his family are unimpressed with him. I accept responsibility for what I said, and the consequences of my actions, and the fallout but I deserve better!

Also seriously considering withdrawing the VRO to save me attending court and dealing with that mess at the end of this month. Better to withdraw that put myself through more stress. It isn’t what I want to do, but I have to pick my battles and this is one I am not prepared to fight, right now. I am sure he will see it as he has “won” but from where I sit everything feels like a loss.

My focus has to be on getting through uni, especially as it is a group assignment, deciding on where I am going to live for 2012. I am actually considering several options after uni, firstly moving back to rural Australia, staying put in the city finding my own place, or drastic measures – leaving on a jet plane. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger so the leaving on a jet plane option would be drastic, but I feel the need to be drastic.

Then there is the decision if I am going to try to have children in 2012, this is actually a really hard decision, as the success might not happen due to the nature of the IVF process. Of course there are many relationship issues to be considered out as well as if I decide to take the children path then it will influence the path I decide for myself.

Well my head hurts… I need to get some work done… and hope that some brightness can be found it what is currently a gloomy day.

These drastic decisions is the main reason for hitting retreat. I am sure there will be lots of tears and grieving over the next few months. Grieving might not be the right word but it feels like I am loosing myself and in this process of self discovery I might loose more of myself. Maybe I need to find a good self help book … it can’t be any worse than the self help I am giving myself right now.

That sinking feeling

All week I have looked forward to the coming week, having plans and really enjoying life. Then you get that sinking feeling when you look at your phone, that has barely survived its meltdown, and you see a text. When you read between the lines of what it says, they could have just written, “we need to talk”. It isn’t that “we need to talk because I have wonderful, exciting news and can’t wait to share it with you”. Its the “we need to talk” in which you know that disappointment is around the corner.

Unfortunately in this specific situation… I think I did the scaring off, which is fine. I say the word “fine” dripping with all the sarcasm and infliction that means the person saying it is at the polar end of fine. Unfortunately for the readers of this blog you are going to have to read between the lines quite often.  Maybe one day you will read a piece of fiction and remember this blog, and go hmmmm. 

Many a time I have been told to write down “the story of my life”. My life has been filled with twists, turns, unusual situations. Not all of these situations have been of my own making… but many a time they have. I never aspired to be a writer, having all those words to allow the reader to be taken into my “fantasy” world and imagine what it could have been like, those type of words escape me. But maybe I will write it for myself, use one of those new self publishing sites and buy myself a copy and know I am published, even if the only purchaser is myself.

But I digress as per usual, the sinking feeling is still there and I suspect in exactly 20 mins when I said I can accept a phone call, the “we need to talk” will come true. Life is an accumulation of memories and experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. Life always continues to go on.. I refuse for it not to. The ride of my life continues, a bit like a never ending roller coaster, with highs and lows. But for what its worth, despite the highest peaks and the lowest lows…. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

5 long months

Well it has been 5 long months since I was last here and really I wonder if it is possible to even summarise how difficult these months have been.

Firstly I lost my beach house for the year, due to the flatmate from hell. Still have a pending court date to be dealt with, but realistically I used the law to find a way out of aforementioned hell. After moving to my parentals I have a few weeks I ended up moving to student housing as a short term solution. After moving houses 5 times and with a 6th on the cards, I feel like a hobo with belongings scattered now between 4 houses. Still my attempt to live in one house for 12 months hasn’t materialized.

On the work front, currently as I type this I am sitting in a job that I HATE! Not having enough work or work that can be completed without someone else’s input is just exhausting. Every day I count down the minutes until I can go “home”. Of course home isn’t my true home, I wonder if that place actually exists.

Weight loss .. ha ha ha very funny idea. I did get myself a Wii Fit but alas that is now in storage… the motivation lasted for about 4 weeks before my life fell apart and I was deemed homeless.

Speaking of being homeless I would like to note that the legal system is an arse… who forces the abused person onto the streets… that would be our system. Archaic and rigid, with the focus on victimising the victim… off my high horse now.

Uni … 13 weeks, yes that’s all I have left to finish my degree. Of course the ability to finish my degree depends on me getting this last two assignments from a previous subject finished.. at this rate it will be summer school for me.

And last but not least love and life… well life hasn’t been treating me very kind recently, its been a long 5 months. I did get “picked” up in a club by someone who thought I was 26… alas I am not, but flattering and he even took me to dinner. Relationships are hard, long distance ones are harder. Especially when one partner feels down trodden, overlooked, and used, even if that isn’t the case.

I have taken to trying to put myself first, and as I was told recently…. I need to love myself. Unfortunately if anyone knew me… loving myself can often become self-destructive. Interesting since I started putting myself first… the men are flocking to be at my side, sometimes as friends and sometimes not. I must find a balance between loving myself and not letting me allow to drop an atomic bomb on my world, because there is no second chances from the devastation of dropping an atomic bomb on your world.

But sometimes, just sometimes you don’t need an atomic bomb to lifts your spirits. Entering into the “war zone” even if it is only for a few hours, you can feel like the most beautiful, important and intellegent person in the world. The problem is with entering into the “war zone” is that each time you enter, you risk your life, security, and sometimes you venture too far out of the green zone and when you go to far into the red zone, someone else might see what is happening and fire their own atomic bomb at your and then there is no going back … or so they say.

Friday night disco

Well tonight after a long week at work I spent the evening in my very own disco. Before disco time I started watching from the beginning (thanks Channel 11) the new version of 90210. This was a blast back to my days in boarding school where I would tape the then 90210 during holidays as most boarders didn’t get “normal tv”. The number of VHS tapes that were lost in the boarding house and so worn out too from taping after taping. Oh the joys of being a teenager.

Today I had a bit of a teenager moment, when it was pointed out to me that our normally quiet street was gridlock.. arrrgghhh. I had been up for the last 35 mins and hadn’t bothered to look out the front of our house, shows how observant I am in the mornings. There was an accident at the main intersection North of us so all traffic was diverted down our street. I walked down there and just looked and all I could see was cars. But getting out of our driveway was fine as they just let me out which was nice.

But enough about bad traffic… back to TV … living out in the country we don’t really get any of the new digital channels, so we spend a fortune on Foxtel. It looks like we are going to have to cancel it as we don’t really use it and that $25 per week will really come in handy. Plus there is no point having it if you aren’t watching it.

But I digress… watching 90210 and then playing music dancing around the house.. specifically on the octagonal rug that is a designated dance floor. Unfortunately recently it has become mobile and being moved but soon it will be fixed in one location. It cost my flat mate and I barely anything and we had so much fun

It was our very own DJ mix, the drinks were cheap and the company was enjoyable. I am sure over the next twelve months there will be a few nights of dancing around the house. Plus hanging out on our front lawn. These days people don’t really sit out the front of their houses and enjoy. Our front yard doesn’t have a fence but it a sloping block and you can’t see the neighbours, many a summer and spring night will be spent out the front having a picnic dinner.

The time has come to dream about summer picnics outside on the front lawn … falling asleep to the Gilmore Girls playing in the background… bliss

So the last day has arrived…

Well it might only be the second day of Janurary 2011, but for me it is my last day for 2011 “living” at the farm. I was here for the grand sum of 17 days before I am up sticks and moving again. When I moved to the country I imagined putting down roots, and not needing to house again. The opportunity to have a home that I never needed to move from.

How wrong I was, this move marks move number 6 since I was married, each move away resulted in my returning to the farm, but with each move it gets harder to think that this will be last time. Especially as I say it every time, if I just ….(insert relevant plan here)… then it will all be OK. Before when I was single, moving was a pain, but it never had this emotional weight attached to it.

Maybe this is what people refer to as guilt. I can experience a lot of emotions but guilt is a feeling that often doesn’t impact upon me. In my past there have been actions that would normally have brought forward the feeling of guilt… but nothing, nada, ziltch, zero. One thing is if you don’t feel guilt for your actions then you learn to become conscious of your decisions / actions.

So along with “pangs of guilt” and a “sense of obligation” my bags have been packed and instructions left for what is to be bought to the city on Saturday when my actual house is ready for me to move in.

Now it is time to make myself presentable (by showering and finding some clean clothes), put on a happy face and go and sit at the local club whilst my husband watches some afternoon sport, country style… lawn bowls.

And of course in true fashion, I will put the laptop and modem in the car, because I believe the local sporting club is my study hall… lets hope they aren’t too noisy today.

Farewell 2010

Farewell, 2010 don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I am ready say goodbye to 2010, it has been a tough year and from reading the status updates on Facebook there are many who feel the same way. Some of my Facebook friends are showing some of that “glass full” optimism as they bid the year that was 2010 away.

2011 is …. new … fresh, is it an excuse to wipe away the mistakes of the year (or could it be years) gone by and a new year is an excuse to start again fresh?

My forecast from Astrology Zone by Susan Miller tells me that 2011 will be better and the the woes I have felt (along with many others) should be better in 2011. In December I was told to wait until making a New Years Resolution until after the 4th January, so with that advice … I am not going to start anything until after that date. Of course one cannot even remotely consider making any decisions until January 2011 forecast is released. The team at Astrology Zone are taking New Years Day off so I am just going to have to wait.

So while I wait… is making a New Year resolution/s worthwhile? 5% succeed until the end of the year… can I make mine last longer by delaying the start of announcing to the world and commencing that new “plan”. So you are just going to have to wait and see if I succeed with mine… when I finally decide their exacting parameters.

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