Feeling worthy

Feeling worthy is something that has been an ongoing struggle for my entire adult life. Its been a bitter pill to swallow and even when directly told I am worthy a small part of me never believes it. My personality is large, my physique is large but under all that noise and presence is a very insecure girl. Whilst a woman and moving steadily into the 2nd act of my life (over 30) and after being told repeatedly by people that I am worthy, 2014 will be getting my inner beauty to match my outer beauty and believing that I am worthy.

Self worth and self confidence whilst would appear to exist together I am proof that self confidence has nothing to do with how you perceive your self worth. Just because I appear confident and together behind closed doors and in the quiet of my own thoughts, I start to believe that I am not worthy of good things.

In order to change this 2014 is about not only being healthy in body, but also in my mind and soul. Believing in myself, not only to achieve my goals and conquer new things and believing that I am worthy of happiness. Whilst not everything in life can be a bed of roses it is time to make a conscious decision to do things from a place of happiness.

2012 was a year of doing what made me happy, as I would describe it. This wasn’t overly successful as whilst doing things that gave short term benefit it was not helping me develop my feeling of self worth over the long term. Whilst I was smiling more, my soul was not being nourished, my self worth was going down, because I was putting on yet another band-aid to my problems.

To be worthy of anything one must first believe in their own worth. To explain in words how one can describe their own self worth I will leave to the experts. For me the first step is walls, my walls have taken a beating over the last few years. In some places they are reinforced, in others they are starting to crumble and I keep working on breaking through them every day.

My first job is to understand why I carry my weight and why I have been dragging it around with me for so long.

 

 

Quitting Smoking

It’s nothing new, but really do I have to. Sitting here for the first time with no cigarette at the computer. Watching the clock tick down, to when the little cafe opens so I can buy a packet.

Ran Out of Cigarettes #1 – Estimate time lasted before a cigarette… approximately 5 hours and that included sleeping.

Really should go back to patches but the lovely vivid dreaming really isn’t for me right now.

After 20 years of being a smoker (wow times flies when you are having fun) its really hard to bid them farewell, because I honestly enjoy smoking. One place more than most will be at my computer…its been a long part of my established working life.

In order to delay the time since I ran out of cigarettes…. having a coffee.. they say sip water but it is too cold this morning. But I did add a dash of rum choc liqueur … that will delay driving even longer. Maybe I will make it to 6 hours.

World Cup

Loving the fact that the Rugby World Cup is currently on. The games have been really great, but still my favourite was last weekend with Tonga claiming the scalp of France.

Today is the first of the quarter finals and tomorrow are the matches I really want to see I have agreed to catch up with friends. What was I thinking.. missing the two most important games of the quarters in my humble opinion.

Of course overscheduling is my biggest problem, and this time I have done it to my own detriments. ARRRRGGGHHHH. Today I am procrastinating about studying again watching more Rugby and those horrible Irish just scored a try. I am normally friendly to the Irish but after they beat the Wallabies I am no longer a fan.

On another note I am feeling a little rejected, tried to speak to my partner about making me feel more loved and cared for, but alas it lasted less than 24 hours and there has been silence.  Just feeling a tad unsupported right now and this is crossing into all aspects of my life. Not a good way to be ending the year.

My new job is really crap, maybe I will feel better with a desk and a computer, but I doubt it very much.  One of the bosses said that in Australia if you tell an employee they have to return they will…. um NOOOOO!

So I am just going to sit back, enjoy this game of rugby, back it up with another, and then watch trashy TV show until I snap out of it.. hope it happens soon as I am on the last series of my trashy DVD series.

Good girl

What thoughts do you associate with the words, “good girl”.  I find it as a woman quite a demeaning term, and I generally take offence. Maybe if someone says it once then it is ok… but more than once in the same phone conversation and the steam starts to fly out my ears.

Of course when you are in a situation where you want everything to be rosy, you never express to the person saying, “good girl” how annoyed you are at that expression. This unfortunately, means my gutt feeling is that this lovely week of fulfillment (emotionally) and tenderness is about to come crashing down around my ears.  AGAIN! Shame really as I cleaned up too, and that doesn’t happen very often.

This week I heard on the radio a discussion about girls who stay with / attracted to males who treat them badly, all the callers are like, noooo never! Well I would like to say this… the nice ones, the gentlemen, the keepers … never seem to stick. The ones that aren’t the best well they stick around, and why do we put up with their crap, because they show just a little bit of interest in us. As a female we need to be needed.

Speaking of the crap ones, I just culled a friend of 30 years from my life. It was part of me retreating from the world. He was good for me years ago, but in the last few years he has treated me like crap. I must say eventhough I was treated like crap by him, I kept going back for more crappy friendship. Well no more, I set off an atomic bomb, got called on it and instead of dealing with the situation, apologising and cleaning up the mess, I just pressed delete, delete, delete!

It is hard to delete and remove people from your life and there is a grieving process. But I have started reading a website tinybuddha.com It does have some good thoughts and it isn’t all about Buddhism either. I am learning that I need to forgive myself and start projecting what I want into the world.

On a completely different tangent, I am actually moving back to my marital home in approximately 2 months, where I will work side by side with my husband. This will be an interesting experience for both of us, not withstanding that I have no mechanical sense and I am being given a big machine to drive. Plus after years of not living together, we are going to live and work together… ahh the joys of married life.

Who invented Mondays?

I am over Monday’s, it really didn’t help when I didn’t come to work on Friday. To be honest it makes it hard every day to come to work, when I really dislike what I am doing. Note to self… accounts are not my friend, just because I can do them doesn’t mean I should.

My excuse on Friday was justified, at 7am I was at the front door of my chiropractor, I have pinched a nerve in my neck. Now firstly this would be my fault for not attending the chiropractor regularly, and secondly because I spend too many days hunched over at a computer. During the last week I would estimate, including work I spent in excess of 70 hours at a computer… too many hours and now I am paying the price.

My weekend was spent also hunched over at the computer trying to bash out an assignment that was on it’s second extension. Finally this morning I sent it off, of course I have another paper to be submitted before I play catchup to get on track with my final subject. That reminds me, someone please make sure I get certified copies of my qualifications, otherwise I can’t register for my degree and time is running out.

I need to find some fun and joy in my life right now, I keep saying it but still it hasn’t happened. Right now I want someone else to be the responsible adult and for me to be well not so responsible. Saying that I have been very irresponsible recently, I know what it is… rebellion. Not an attractive thing at my age, but I am acting like a naughty 18 year old again, actually strike that naughty 16 year old again.

Well back to the grind I go, with a fun evening of typing yet more rubbish for uni, and take-out for dinner, that is if I survive the rest of my day at work…. it is going to be a loooooooooooong day.

Saturday nights in…

Can a Saturday night spent in be fun? The short answer, NO! After a day of cleaning and getting organised spending the night in seems more like a punishment than a reward. My boredom was so high that I decided to make some garlic bread for the freezer. So now I have garlic bread in the freezer, my washing done, the house clean and still nothing to do.

When I am hiding out in the country these bouts of boredom don’t seem to happen as much. Maybe it is because the country is my real home. Transition housing is really painful, it reminds me of boarding school, when you went where is “x” and you know that it is at home, because you either a) forgot to bring it b) it was too big c) you didn’t think to pack it. At the moment there isn’t that much of my stuff here with me, which was evident with the ease in which I moved.

Gone are the boarding school days when you had a ute and a crate at your disposal and continued to pack until it was evident that there was too much stuff … again. When I travel my suitcase is overflowing, for my 21st Birthday I went to Bali leaving with 17kg of luggage and returning home with 37kg of stuff! Over the years I am getting better but still overpacking is a curse.

Another curse that I have recently discovered is the ability to store a collection of crap in ones car. Firstly, it should be noted that after watching an episode of Oprah seeing what people can store in their cars, my curse is no where near those monumental piles of crap. But still, there were clothes that I never unpacked that stayed there for 2 weeks. Nearly there was an unnecessary purchase of clothing that was just hanging out in the car. At least I wasn’t as bad as the people on Oprah who had to re-purchase presents that were “lost” in the car.

At least there is only 40 minutes left of this enthralling Saturday night in. Tomorrow is a new day starting with an Aqua Class at 9am, but at least this is the easiest class … Aqua Balance … it is all about the Zen and being in the water moving gently… and knowing my luck it will be in the heated pool so by the time it finishes I will be heading off to swim a few laps to cool down.

The beginning of another weekend

It is weird but every weekend my body clock allows me less than an hour sleep in, whilst my flatmate can somehow get a three hour sleep in. That is what I find so unfair especially as the art of sleeping in used to be my forte. Since when did the universe decide that sleeping in was not going to be in my future.. bah! Of course when it is planned to be awake within a hour of normal waking up time (630am for those who are interested) I would never make it without an alarm.

This weekend due to exhaustion it was decided that the trek back to the farm wouldn’t happen. Based on my husbands post on my Facebook page it seems he wasn’t overly happy with this decision. It is difficult living such a distance away from each other, but right now my sanity is most important along with staying rested, especially if sleep debt cannot be caught up on the weekend. Next week I will head back to the farm, it is easier when they give you “hump day” also known as Wednesday off for a public holiday. It will be bliss only 4 working days, but the bank balance won’t be too happy.

But really, when is the bank balance ever happy? The Suze Orman show is one of my favourites that I used to watch via Foxtel (but we have disconneted it due to high costs) but now I download her podcasts, which are full versions of her show, because it is effectively free!. She really hammers home that we should all have an 8 month emergency fund. This seems so unachievable to have enough money put aside so the bills can be paid for 8 months if there was a lack of income. It is a goal but not one that I can see happening in 2011 but I will be watching the pennies even more closely this year.

So enough about money, I have completed my morning ritual of waking up, reading the paper and having breakfast and now it is time to get motivated for the day. Really need to do some washing but the flat mates washing is still on the line and at 10am it doesn’t look like he is going to be rising anytime soon. Guess I will start cleaning up a bit around the house and getting the washing started, you never know he might just wake up when the vacuum cleaner gets started up.

PS:  Sunday is a 9am Aqua Balance class, and hopefully a trip to the beach! My husband really needs the beach it was 40 degrees Celsius at 6am this morning and only getting hotter, lets hope he stays cool in the pool and air conditioning watching movies it is too hot for anything else.

PPS: That essay that I wrote whilst relocating and moving scraped in at 57% which is fine, I am just glad to have passed.

PPPS: Yes I know I am not writing a letter 🙂

 

 

Exercising in a bathing suit

Well whilst in Australia we would just refer to a bathing suit as bathers it is still one of my favourite ways to exercise. Don’t tell me that getting all hot and sweaty running, with your feet jarring on the ground is a fun way to exercise. Splashing around in water now that is a more civilize and fun way to exercise, no sweat issue.

Of course being my first lesson I had to to go and front the teacher, and lets just say, it shows especially when standing there in a bathing suit that … I don’t exercise, this is my first class. It was refreshing to be asked if I can swim but then not sure how to take that I don’t need to wear a float belt like the rest of the people in the class, is it because they won’t fit me or is it because I come with my own bouyancy.

For the record I survived, and whilst we are going with for the records the enjoyment I had smoking a rolled cigarette (because I have given up smoking tailors or packet cigarettes) as I returned to my car. Back to the class … it was fine at least I didn’t get all hot and sweaty but my swimming skills paid off. The teacher did comment that it was apparent that I could swim based on the fact that every possible cheat to make an exercise easier I worked out 🙂

There are three classes a week and it is the second cheapest one but the 3rd class is at 6am in the morning. Really you have to be hard core to get to that class, it is written in the pretty blue diary but there is no guarantee that I will actually make it in time considering the early hour.

Speaking of the hour the time for sleep has arrived … after all that jumping around in the pool I think I deserve it.

The weekend is over :(

Why are Monday’s such a struggle? Monday’s and I don’t get along, it is always such an effort to drag yourself into a new week. I am sure there are those people who love going to work but really can anyone enjoy their job that much? I miss the days when I had flexibility to work when I wanted to work and be able to do some “fun” stuff during the week. Like bottling up 6 cartons of beer … I complain whilst doing it but I actually quite enjoy it.

I have also lost my car for the next few days and already I miss my black van. It is nice to just jump into your car and go somewhere. Also finding it harder as my husband is down. Before anyone starts screaming I am enjoying having him down but I am such a bore. Between work, study and general household stuff I am not really around much. But it is really lovely of him to come down and drive me to and from work, otherwise instead of about 40 mins a day travelling it will be more like 90+ mins on public transport.

The lack of easy transport (because I don’t have a manual licence and the vehicle down here is) my exercise isn’t going to well. On Sunday morning I nearly made it to a class but I was foiled by sheer exhaustion from moving. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it. Hopefully towards the end of this week and into next I can get into the swing of going to do some exercise.

At least some consolation is that I have been making healthy lunches and trying to be a bit more responsible. Speaking of responsible, there is one cigarette left in my packet and only one can of real coke since I gave up. Not a perfect record but at least I am giving it a go and not punishing myself when I get it wrong.

But one thing I am doing is getting myself to bed nice and early every night … hopefully the extra rest is helping with those brain cells and motivation.

The peace and tranquility of Saturday

It is weird but for me I like a peaceful Saturday morning … whilst Sunday is “the day of rest” for me Saturday mornings are just important. After a long week at work I like to sit quietly on a Saturday and just potter around the house. Today is my first real Saturday just pottering and it feels bliss.

My flat mate is still asleep and I have been floating around for the last hour and a half. Spoke to my husband who arrives in the city for about 3 days tomorrow. (Note to self: buy beer). Went and bought the paper and started the dishwasher. The rest of the morning will be spent just pottering and might even throw on a load of washing or two to get the sheets done.

This afternoon will be a bit more eventful with a trip to the stores to buy some makeup for work. The not wearing of makeup (which I am a fan of) is not looked on particularly fondly in a corporate work environment, the cult I have rejoined after many years. But if the ATO will not allow makeup as a tax deduction .. how rude … it is generally only purchased for work and the very occasional night out.

Whilst I am in the city it will be good for myself and my husband to go out more and socialise. This weekend he wanted me to play in a lawn bowls twilight event, it is actually good fun and last year I think we won or nearly won it. But I just wanted one more weekend to get organised and not have to face the 240km trip each way. It is hard because it is just so far and Saturdays are so enjoyable and I really don’t think I could do it on a Friday night after working all week. So hopefully over the next year I can put together some nice going out ideas that don’t cost the earth because the budget is stretched really tight now.

Previous Older Entries

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 14 other followers