Feeling worthy

Feeling worthy is something that has been an ongoing struggle for my entire adult life. Its been a bitter pill to swallow and even when directly told I am worthy a small part of me never believes it. My personality is large, my physique is large but under all that noise and presence is a very insecure girl. Whilst a woman and moving steadily into the 2nd act of my life (over 30) and after being told repeatedly by people that I am worthy, 2014 will be getting my inner beauty to match my outer beauty and believing that I am worthy.

Self worth and self confidence whilst would appear to exist together I am proof that self confidence has nothing to do with how you perceive your self worth. Just because I appear confident and together behind closed doors and in the quiet of my own thoughts, I start to believe that I am not worthy of good things.

In order to change this 2014 is about not only being healthy in body, but also in my mind and soul. Believing in myself, not only to achieve my goals and conquer new things and believing that I am worthy of happiness. Whilst not everything in life can be a bed of roses it is time to make a conscious decision to do things from a place of happiness.

2012 was a year of doing what made me happy, as I would describe it. This wasn’t overly successful as whilst doing things that gave short term benefit it was not helping me develop my feeling of self worth over the long term. Whilst I was smiling more, my soul was not being nourished, my self worth was going down, because I was putting on yet another band-aid to my problems.

To be worthy of anything one must first believe in their own worth. To explain in words how one can describe their own self worth I will leave to the experts. For me the first step is walls, my walls have taken a beating over the last few years. In some places they are reinforced, in others they are starting to crumble and I keep working on breaking through them every day.

My first job is to understand why I carry my weight and why I have been dragging it around with me for so long.

 

 

Advertisements

2013 is nearly over…

Well with 2013 nearly over, embarking on a new journey seems written in the stars and in my life. Travelling has become a big focus for me recently, yet again travel to the East Coast beckons.

This is a year of rebirth for me, moving toward my next goal, its tiring. But what I am enjoying is reflecting on all that 2013 and previous years right back to being 18 have given me.

24 hours I will be sitting on a plane waiting to travel the 2800 miles to my new location for the next few months. It will be a struggle but its something I am prepared to give my all. Now to finally tell my family what is happening, on the day of my departure, not looking forward to it at all.

 

Exercising in a bathing suit

Well whilst in Australia we would just refer to a bathing suit as bathers it is still one of my favourite ways to exercise. Don’t tell me that getting all hot and sweaty running, with your feet jarring on the ground is a fun way to exercise. Splashing around in water now that is a more civilize and fun way to exercise, no sweat issue.

Of course being my first lesson I had to to go and front the teacher, and lets just say, it shows especially when standing there in a bathing suit that … I don’t exercise, this is my first class. It was refreshing to be asked if I can swim but then not sure how to take that I don’t need to wear a float belt like the rest of the people in the class, is it because they won’t fit me or is it because I come with my own bouyancy.

For the record I survived, and whilst we are going with for the records the enjoyment I had smoking a rolled cigarette (because I have given up smoking tailors or packet cigarettes) as I returned to my car. Back to the class … it was fine at least I didn’t get all hot and sweaty but my swimming skills paid off. The teacher did comment that it was apparent that I could swim based on the fact that every possible cheat to make an exercise easier I worked out ūüôā

There are three classes a week and it is the second cheapest one but the 3rd class is at 6am in the morning. Really you have to be hard core to get to that class, it is written in the pretty blue diary but there is no guarantee that I will actually make it in time considering the early hour.

Speaking of the hour the time for sleep has arrived … after all that jumping around in the pool I think I deserve it.

The weekend is over :(

Why are Monday’s such a struggle? Monday’s and I don’t get along, it is always such an effort to drag yourself into a new week. I am sure there are those people who love going to work but really can anyone enjoy their job that much? I miss the days when I had flexibility to work when I wanted to work and be able to do some “fun” stuff during the week. Like bottling up 6 cartons of beer … I complain whilst doing it but I actually quite enjoy it.

I have also lost my car for the next few days and already I miss my black van. It is nice to just jump into your car and go somewhere. Also finding it harder as my husband is down. Before anyone starts screaming I am enjoying having him down but I am such a bore. Between work, study and general household stuff I am not really around much. But it is really lovely of him to come down and drive me to and from work, otherwise instead of about 40 mins a day travelling it will be more like 90+ mins on public transport.

The lack of easy transport (because I don’t have a manual licence and the vehicle down here is) my exercise isn’t going to well. On Sunday morning I nearly made it to a class but I was foiled by sheer exhaustion from moving. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it. Hopefully towards the end of this week and into next I can get into the swing of going to do some exercise.

At least some consolation is that I have been making healthy lunches and trying to be a bit more responsible. Speaking of responsible, there is one cigarette left in my packet and only one can of real coke since I gave up. Not a perfect record but at least I am giving it a go and not punishing myself when I get it wrong.

But one thing I am doing is getting myself to bed nice and early every night … hopefully the extra rest is helping with those brain cells and motivation.

Friday night disco

Well tonight after a long week at work I spent the evening in my very own disco. Before disco time I started watching from the beginning (thanks Channel 11) the new version of 90210. This was a blast back to my days in boarding school where I would tape the then 90210 during holidays as most boarders didn’t get “normal tv”. The number of VHS tapes that were lost in the boarding house and so worn out too from taping after taping. Oh the joys of being a teenager.

Today I had a bit of a teenager moment, when it was pointed out to me that our normally quiet street was gridlock.. arrrgghhh. I had been up for the last 35 mins and hadn’t bothered to look out the front of our house, shows how observant I am in the mornings. There was an accident at the main intersection North of us so all traffic was diverted down our street. I walked down there and just looked and all I could see was cars. But getting out of our driveway was fine as they just let me out which was nice.

But enough about bad traffic… back to TV … living out in the country we don’t really get any of the new digital channels, so we spend a fortune on Foxtel. It looks like we are going to have to cancel it as we don’t really use it and that $25 per week will really come in handy. Plus there is no point having it if you aren’t watching it.

But I digress… watching 90210 and then playing music dancing around the house.. specifically on the¬†octagonal rug that is a designated dance floor. Unfortunately recently it has become mobile and being moved but soon it will be fixed in one location. It cost my flat mate and I barely anything and we had so much fun

It was our very own DJ mix, the drinks were cheap and the company was enjoyable. I am sure over the next twelve months there will be a few nights of dancing around the house. Plus hanging out on our front lawn. These days people don’t really sit out the front of their houses and enjoy. Our front yard doesn’t have a fence but it a sloping block and you can’t see the neighbours, many a summer and spring night will be spent out the front having a picnic dinner.

The time has come to dream about summer picnics outside on the front lawn … falling asleep to the Gilmore Girls playing in the background… bliss.¬†

Where is that water going?

Right now I am sitting at my computer about to find out where the reticulation has gone …. be back in a minute. ¬†Ok whilst you would have no idea how long that minute was but it was about half an hour. Blogs are nice like that … they can at times … handle interuptions. Unfortunately no reticulation out the back and the front needs a little work, but something is better than nothing.

The thought of gardening as an activity to spend my weekend seems ironic… but it is healthy, inexpensive and good exercise. After chasing around the reticulation tonight we will have to do a bit of work to get the place looking beautiful. Originally we were going to get a lawn mower guy in but to make it look really nice we need to mow more often that can be afforded. Might have to have a look at the farm, I think there is one that my parents gave us that we aren’t using. Will have to investigate last time I go back.

Speaking of the farm it is weird … last year I lived by myself in another small (but a good deal larger town down the road) town and my husband never stayed over because there was no need. Now that I am living with a friend in the city there is a really nice city place to go to. It will be nice to have our own space in the city. The only downside is it is really quite a considerable drive and unless I go back to the farm I won’t see my cat, a blue russian called Madame.

Madame is a rescue cat and for some strange reason I can never remember the year she was born in. If I was at the farm I would look on her insurance papers but alas again … wrong house . Those wrong house moments are going to be a feature this year. I do endeavour to reduce their frequency but when you live in multiple dwellings, it happens more often than not. Must get into the habit of scanning and filing receipts and paperwork. Already most of my assignments are written in the “digital cloud”, but so far I haven’t worked out how to use it on my current mobile, due to software not being¬†compatible. Oh well.. one day.

Well it has again just dawned on me that I have no more cigarettes .. no more coke .. and it is time for bed. Might have to go and smoke just one more but this time a hand rolled one, because one can’t hurt right?

Farewell my dear friends..

After being reunited with my belongings I am now bidding farewell to two dear friends.. namely B&H Subtle and Coca-Cola. ¬†Now not one to promote smoking but … I really am going to miss you. For those that are wondering.. I also don’t drink and as we all know Coca-Cola really isn’t that great for you.

So I have done the final purchase and here it is…..

Farewell my dear friends....

So I have done the final purchase and here it is…..and as I type this there are 23 cigarettes to go.

Do I have a reason for taking away these two unhealthy things… yes…of course we should strive to be healthier but in all reality besides “better health” and “reduced risks” there has to be something in it for me. In the future I plan to commence IVF.. (stop don’t run away this is not an IVF blog … well not yet). After being married for nearly 7 years it is time to take the plunge.

To help with success, because it is really expensive, I am focusing on a loosing weight and getting healthier as every little bit helps. Ideally it will be no sugar, gluten free, caffeine free but that is unrealistic so I am going to strive for it but one thing that makes sense is no smoking, no excess sugar and no caffeine. It is quite unfair that in my current position they have the best coffee machine.. caffeine is going to be a tough one.

Guess we can add this to the new years resolution .. which I knew was coming so to announce a new years resolution 10 days in … I will have a healthier lifestyle. Simple to the point and doesn’t leave me room to get caught out not following through!

So wish me luck because next step in the journey is to find some form of exercise that I “enjoy”. My star signs told me to not start seriously until 17 January and I am making baby steps towards that direction .. and using this time to just savour those last few moments with my guilty pleasures.

PS: That essay … I got it finished, nothing spectacular but P’s mean degrees … it was submitted a good 9.5 hours early.

Farewell 2010

Farewell, 2010 don’t let the door hit you on the way out. I am ready say goodbye to 2010, it has been a tough year and from reading the status updates on Facebook there are many who feel the same way. Some of my Facebook friends are showing some of that “glass full” optimism as they bid the year that was 2010 away.

2011 is …. new … fresh, is it an excuse to wipe away the mistakes of the year (or could it be years) gone by and a new year is an excuse to start again fresh?

My forecast from Astrology Zone by Susan Miller tells me that 2011 will be better and the the woes I have felt (along with many others) should be better in 2011. In December I was told to wait until making a New Years Resolution until after the 4th January, so with that advice … I am not going to start anything until after that date. Of course one cannot even remotely consider making any decisions until January 2011 forecast is released. The team at¬†Astrology Zone are taking New Years Day off so I am just going to have to wait.

So while I wait… is making a New Year resolution/s worthwhile? 5% succeed until the end of the year… can I make mine last longer by delaying the start of announcing to the world and commencing that new “plan”. So you are just going to have to wait and see if I succeed with mine… when I finally decide their exacting parameters.

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 14 other followers