Boxes arriving – More unpacking

My first box from my overseas trip has arrived. I’m certain now that having this business will afford me the luxury of travelling something that is part of who I am now.

Back being creative has been the best thing for me, especially as it is now part of the house and not excluded. This makes for some interesting space and storage ideas but for once, there is determination at hand.

My lifestyle is now more flexible and through being able to dictate how my time is spent, there is much more enjoyment to be had.

The saying, ‘live to travel’ resonates with me. My life does not revolve around travelling but to find a way to join my Bohemian / Nomadic side with exploring and my everyday.

Focus!!

I am the queen of procrastination under the guise of multitasking. Right now this is my last full day before I commence what I am now learning to know is….. my ‘mid life crisis in a red swag’.

Yes, I am flying to South Korea. I am going camping. The Cure will soothe my soul and take me back to years gone by. Stereophonics will just make me sit back and enjoy. Then Fun. will get me up and dancing. All over three glorious days where the temperature resembles something that is reasonable, and I will accept humidity and precipitation as a by product of being warm and getting a sun tan.

I will shop at the fabric market and get lost for hours in its maze. Maybe even go and have a cup of coffee with some friendly kitty cats. Who know’s but I am certainly going to relax and escape.

Escape from the paperwork that I need to complete, the music I need to face, the planning and working. Its just all stuff I try to avoid at the best of times, but guess its reality time.  But until reality time is a reality, I’m going to live my midlife crisis, with my head held high. This one is about me! Its really about me, I’m happy to share some of it with other people, but its on my terms.

Into the ocean

This weekend I went and spent a night in a little place called Preston Beach and wished I never had to leave. I jumped in the freezing ocean but it was so refreshing. Saturday was the best day for the beach, but I forgot my camera DOH!. Its a shame it isn’t a good swimming beach for little ones but it is still a really nice place.

Anyone heading to WA and wanting some time out, I would recommend staying down at Preston Beach Footprints Resort.  Pool, tennis court, playgrounds, one at the beach about 5 mins away and one about 2 mins around the corner from the resort. Being between two national parks there are plenty of kanagroo’s about and you can get quite close because they are used to people being around.

We were lucky our bungalow, which are fully equipped with BBQ, dishwasher, fridge etc so you can just bring your food and cook in your unit, overlooked the road (very quiet) but some of the units, face each other sharing a common grassed area (would be great for kids). Didn’t try out the pool as it was the first day of school holidays, but the kids there were having a great time, with a shallow kids pool and a normal deeper one as well.

I spent my time at the beach, watching two great games of rugby world cup (and channel surfing to the AFL final), lazing on the lounge or the deck. Ate way too much, my friend is a better cook than I remembered and I didn’t even have to wash a dish :) Ahhh relaxation 101 … just wish I was there for at least 3 days, you can’t do anything but relax there.

Shame it is time to go back to reality because it was just 24 hours of bliss….

Hello October

Well its the beginning of a new month and it marks the last 6 weeks I have left in the big city. Well ok, this city isn’t so big but its a city, and a capital city at that.  I had planned to be here for another 3 months but unfortunately things change and for me this means making the most of what I have left.

The weather is starting to turn towards summer and to be honest that is one of the things that I am going to miss the most, not having a few months of beaching before returning to the rural lifestyle.  Summer’s at the beach are always so enjoyable for me, as I have this natural attraction to the water, especially the beach. But I know that if I need a bit of water therapy when I return to the rural lifestyle I can jump into the pool and at least pretend.

With my decision to return to the farm early, to help with harvest (for the first time ever!), I had to pass on a new job. For the first time I was head hunted into a position and then had to decline. I know my star signs told me it would happen, but I didn’t think it would, but I do hope that this wasn’t “the” career job mentioned for September, and that there are more opportunities coming.

Uni is in its final swing, final unit, which unfortunately is a group project. The group is great my motivation is seriously lacking, must make amends for that problem. But right now my head space really isn’t focused on getting my degree, especially as I haven’t even registered for it … yet. Note to self.. register for your degree!!!!

Another note to self, deep tissue massages cause bruising, so if you don’t want to look like you have been in a fight or fallen over in a drunken stupor, don’t opt for deep tissue. My lower back whilst all bruised feels great.. shame about my neck.

Before I sign this off for the weekend and see if the October forecasts are up at www.astrologyzone.com, I thought I would put a comment here about relationships. They are hard…. difficult and at times frustrating.  Friendships are easier to maintain but when a relationship (from many moons ago) turns into a friendship, you can’t guarantee that their new partner will be accepting. My ex is coming for a wedding that we will be at, his wife and family come too, but after deleting him, I wonder how this event will go. Sigh… I think I might just go and have a quiet weekend on a beach somewhere and just not worry about anything except for me. Wandering up and down a beach leaving footprints sounds like a better way to spend my time than worrying about husbands, ex boyfriends, family or life in general.

Time to retreat

Well its time to press the retreat button…. It might not be the right solution but retreating for the next 7 to 10 weeks. In 7 weeks I have to move again and in 10 weeks I finish uni.

With so much going on it seems easier to press the retreat button, its not like I am giving up but self preservation (and a bit of self discovery) must be at the top of my list. I feel I keep making wrong decisions and getting into a bigger mess each time. I want to be positive, happy and smiling.  Feeling like I am moving towards a goal that I want to achieve and be on a path that I feel is the right one.

So with that in mind, I removed a friend of 30 years from my phone and facebook this morning who used me and lied to me, then blamed me when his lies came back to bite him. After 30 years of friendship (including 7 years of relationship) he never once asked how I was through all the issues I have recently experienced. So he just met with the delete button, so a bit of grieving has just started as he sees my parents as his second set of parents. Also his family are unimpressed with him. I accept responsibility for what I said, and the consequences of my actions, and the fallout but I deserve better!

Also seriously considering withdrawing the VRO to save me attending court and dealing with that mess at the end of this month. Better to withdraw that put myself through more stress. It isn’t what I want to do, but I have to pick my battles and this is one I am not prepared to fight, right now. I am sure he will see it as he has “won” but from where I sit everything feels like a loss.

My focus has to be on getting through uni, especially as it is a group assignment, deciding on where I am going to live for 2012. I am actually considering several options after uni, firstly moving back to rural Australia, staying put in the city finding my own place, or drastic measures – leaving on a jet plane. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger so the leaving on a jet plane option would be drastic, but I feel the need to be drastic.

Then there is the decision if I am going to try to have children in 2012, this is actually a really hard decision, as the success might not happen due to the nature of the IVF process. Of course there are many relationship issues to be considered out as well as if I decide to take the children path then it will influence the path I decide for myself.

Well my head hurts… I need to get some work done… and hope that some brightness can be found it what is currently a gloomy day.

These drastic decisions is the main reason for hitting retreat. I am sure there will be lots of tears and grieving over the next few months. Grieving might not be the right word but it feels like I am loosing myself and in this process of self discovery I might loose more of myself. Maybe I need to find a good self help book … it can’t be any worse than the self help I am giving myself right now.

Another weekend gone… nothing has changed

Well I have farewelled another weekend and instead of staying in bed with my trusty DVD I accepted an offer of dinner from a couple of friends. This was actually good for me except I partook in a few alcoholic beverages, and then had to excuse myself for a phone call that was really important to me.  Unfortunately since that phone call on Saturday night there has been silence, and I yearn for a friendly supportive voice on the end of my phone. Guess my poetic side has been showing from either a) too much Ally McBeal or b) too much self pity.

Uni is back behind and I discovered a “you have not completed your task” email from the current leader of our group. This week isn’t good for me but I must commit to catching up tonight, otherwise they might start calling me names. Right now I am emotionally vunerable so I must make sure I don’t put myself in a situation where I end up in tears, over my final uni subject.

This weekend I have also nearly completed a sewing project for a friend, that must be delivered next Friday. Plus she just added to the project arrrgghhh Pressure!!!!! But of course I thrive on pressure right? We all thrive on pressure, right?

Right now I want to be held and made to feel safe and placed on a pedastall, without a care in the world. Unfortunately that is not my reality, and I suspect not anyone I know or anyone reading. But we can only dream.

Oh and reality has just come crashing down, urgent things piling up on my desk, guess I have to return to my current reality. Shame really I was just starting to drift into my fantasy world, where I want to make my fantasy’s turn into reality… oh that’s right, that’s only in fairy tales. And to date I haven’t had a fairy tale come true…. yet.

When you are wrong…

When you are wrong it is always important to admit it, the “we have to talk” I spoke about yesterday was all in my head. Now this is an absolute first but I must say it reminds us that our gut feelings can be wrong. But there is something still isn’t quite right. So maybe my gut feeling is predicting something, but only time will tell.

I also thought after all the late nights and hard work that I would fall into bed and sleep until at least 10am. WRONG!!! Why is it when you can curl up for hours on end and get some decent sleep your brain feels the need to wake you up nice and early. For me right now my sleep debt is so far in the red that no amount of extra sleep will restore it to neutral again. Whilst I have slept I feel just as bad as I have all week.

Exhaustion is a funny thing, it means you don’t even want to do things that you need to do or want to do. This week is going to be hectic and as per usual I am leaving things. Like today, I should have been out shopping for some gifts but alas I have decided that curling up in bed with a DVD at 11am is a better use of my time. Maybe I will fall back to sleep and wake up refreshed, who knows.

Speaking of DVD’s I am about to continue my journey through Ally McBeal… those wishing to judge, the big red x on the top right hand side of this window is a great place to start. I watched this for the first time in my early 20’s and now revisiting the series in chronological order.  I should add for those that are a little emotionally bruised it really isn’t the best viewing entertainment, remind you of how bruised you really are.

But I sometimes like to torture myself and today is no different. So whilst the sun is shining, and the weather is just divine, I will put my fan on (so I stay cool), find some blankets to wrap myself up in (so I feel safe), grab the tissues just in case and see if I can find a way to smile again. Then spend my evening being a conscientious student.. final subject for my degree and I am going to make sure I get there, on time and with little stress, which means … working regularly at it!

That sinking feeling

All week I have looked forward to the coming week, having plans and really enjoying life. Then you get that sinking feeling when you look at your phone, that has barely survived its meltdown, and you see a text. When you read between the lines of what it says, they could have just written, “we need to talk”. It isn’t that “we need to talk because I have wonderful, exciting news and can’t wait to share it with you”. Its the “we need to talk” in which you know that disappointment is around the corner.

Unfortunately in this specific situation… I think I did the scaring off, which is fine. I say the word “fine” dripping with all the sarcasm and infliction that means the person saying it is at the polar end of fine. Unfortunately for the readers of this blog you are going to have to read between the lines quite often.  Maybe one day you will read a piece of fiction and remember this blog, and go hmmmm. 

Many a time I have been told to write down “the story of my life”. My life has been filled with twists, turns, unusual situations. Not all of these situations have been of my own making… but many a time they have. I never aspired to be a writer, having all those words to allow the reader to be taken into my “fantasy” world and imagine what it could have been like, those type of words escape me. But maybe I will write it for myself, use one of those new self publishing sites and buy myself a copy and know I am published, even if the only purchaser is myself.

But I digress as per usual, the sinking feeling is still there and I suspect in exactly 20 mins when I said I can accept a phone call, the “we need to talk” will come true. Life is an accumulation of memories and experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. Life always continues to go on.. I refuse for it not to. The ride of my life continues, a bit like a never ending roller coaster, with highs and lows. But for what its worth, despite the highest peaks and the lowest lows…. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Danger, Will Robinson

There is something to be said for the words “Danger, Will Robinson!” which for those who have no idea what I am talking about it is from a 1960’s US sitcom called Lost in Space. Yes it is from the 60’s and no this isn’t a way to work out how old I am.

Recently a friend sent me an email warning me to not do something, and the reply was a simple, no I won’t because that means, “Danger, Will Robinson”. As it was all in the written word, the question is… did he get that the flippant remark I was making was said in all seriousness.

Due to my personality which is clearly documented, my need to venture into dangerous situations or push the limits of grey areas, currently coming to the fore. No I won’t do a Bear Grylls, on you but dangerous in the, risk personal safety, risk current life path in the search for some fun and relaxation.

But in this modern age with the written word being so heavily relied on for communication I would like to say that SMS and I are not friends. Before you would just call someone, if they answered great you spoke, if they didn’t you left a message if they had an answering machine, if they didn’t you hung up. There was no caller number display, no way for people to know you were trying to get hold of them.

But no we are in 2011 where text messaging is all the rage, I type a message, I press send… then I wait… and wait… and wait. Did you read it, did you forget to respond, did you not want to respond, did it get lost between my phone and yours. I have started to get annoyed with text messages, at least with email I could put a delivery and read receipt on it and have half a chance to know that you got it and the silence is because you didn’t want to respond.

Modern communication that should make things easier just made things a lot harder, and to be honest.. I don’t have the headspace right now to cope with games. So to those reading this, if you hand out your mobile number and get a SMS but want to not continue conversing with that person, do the polite thing… send a message saying, Thanks but No Thanks.  Seriously it isn’t that hard is it?

Catching up

It seems to be a theme in this modern life, you always seem to be chasing your tail and catching up at every turn. At what point do you put yourself first? Recently I was in that situation and decided that maybe for once … just once … would put myself first. The downside of this is that catching up is right back at the top of the agenda. The time when I just run from moment to moment, juggling everything and then get to the end of a week (or each day) and find that the list really isn’t any shorter, I am exhausted and there has been no time for myself.

This week my flatmate has had visitors staying with us. As a consequence we have lost our TV room which is always a great place for some much needed “me time”. In this day and age the need to sloth on the couch has become a staple of my R&R activities. Often it doesn’t matter what is on .. just that there is something on that is attempting to entertain me.

It may be a female thing but I have noticed that females, in particular married females, often don’t put themselves first. It seems that this, what could be considered a selfish act, is actually sometimes the only way to survive. At the moment my life is presenting new and interesting problems everyday. Each day I strive to solve them, sometimes in very long winded and abstract ways, and each day I find my personal “me” time taken away from me.

Take study for example, I am undertaking a degree, in a long winded approach to being in a career that can be used in the country on the farm. Of course, it would be simple to take a TAFE Diploma and work in Patient Care in a hospital for example, but that is just not me. Whilst the end result will be an education qualification but instead of taking an Accounting degree which would be practical and useful to the farm, I took a Bachelor of Arts with focus on technology, much more enjoyable.

But whilst the content of my study is enjoyable to me at times, like right now, I have a major assessment overdue, whilst life continues at 100 miles and hour around me, adding more to my to do list with each passing hour. So right now I will sign off and finish this final assessment, whilst working from my bed. Sometimes you need to think outside the box to gain some much needed comfort and me time. Now to find some more cushions so I am feel like I am floating on a fluffy white cloud  … whilst being mundane and finishing this assignment.

 

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