Bored… bored… bored in the concrete jungle

Well I know that we normally sing, George, George, George of the jungle look out for that tree, but with a lack of trees and no one here called George but we do have a bored in residence I thought it might make a catchy title for today’s blog post. My work is completely dull, there is no other way to describe my position… actually there is another way… seat warmer! I keep this seat warm and that is about it. Answer the odd phone call were 99% of the calls really don’t want our office and people just keep hanging up. I create maybe one document a day… and spend most of my time surfing the net and listening to the radio.

My life has been dull and the highlight of my Thursday night is doing at least two loads of laundry to be caught up and have clean clothes to wear to work on Friday. So really there isn’t anything exciting to report. My final unit is worse than pulling hen’s teeth…. for those studying the last unit is the hardest… not because of the subject matter but because after all these years working towards the goal, you get over it, and I am over it. On the sad side there the oncampus students I am living with are all starting to move out, of course it’s always the fun ones that move first.

As this year starts to wind up I am hoping to find a cheap getaway holiday to somewhere warm and sunny for a week to give myself a week of relaxation, whilst completing my final uni assignments. I doubt it will actually happen but you never know my luck, maybe I will find that cheap overseas getaway in the sun and bash out my last few assessments so I can finish the study period early rather than later. Still need to register for my degree, so I better get onto that quick smart, with only a few weeks to go before the uni year is finished.

Well guess I should go back to pretending to do some work, it is what they are paying me for. Going to try and bunk off work two hours early tomorrow… there is a really good game of rugby starting at 230pm.

World Cup

Loving the fact that the Rugby World Cup is currently on. The games have been really great, but still my favourite was last weekend with Tonga claiming the scalp of France.

Today is the first of the quarter finals and tomorrow are the matches I really want to see I have agreed to catch up with friends. What was I thinking.. missing the two most important games of the quarters in my humble opinion.

Of course overscheduling is my biggest problem, and this time I have done it to my own detriments. ARRRRGGGHHHH. Today I am procrastinating about studying again watching more Rugby and those horrible Irish just scored a try. I am normally friendly to the Irish but after they beat the Wallabies I am no longer a fan.

On another note I am feeling a little rejected, tried to speak to my partner about making me feel more loved and cared for, but alas it lasted less than 24 hours and there has been silence.  Just feeling a tad unsupported right now and this is crossing into all aspects of my life. Not a good way to be ending the year.

My new job is really crap, maybe I will feel better with a desk and a computer, but I doubt it very much.  One of the bosses said that in Australia if you tell an employee they have to return they will…. um NOOOOO!

So I am just going to sit back, enjoy this game of rugby, back it up with another, and then watch trashy TV show until I snap out of it.. hope it happens soon as I am on the last series of my trashy DVD series.

Hello October

Well its the beginning of a new month and it marks the last 6 weeks I have left in the big city. Well ok, this city isn’t so big but its a city, and a capital city at that.  I had planned to be here for another 3 months but unfortunately things change and for me this means making the most of what I have left.

The weather is starting to turn towards summer and to be honest that is one of the things that I am going to miss the most, not having a few months of beaching before returning to the rural lifestyle.  Summer’s at the beach are always so enjoyable for me, as I have this natural attraction to the water, especially the beach. But I know that if I need a bit of water therapy when I return to the rural lifestyle I can jump into the pool and at least pretend.

With my decision to return to the farm early, to help with harvest (for the first time ever!), I had to pass on a new job. For the first time I was head hunted into a position and then had to decline. I know my star signs told me it would happen, but I didn’t think it would, but I do hope that this wasn’t “the” career job mentioned for September, and that there are more opportunities coming.

Uni is in its final swing, final unit, which unfortunately is a group project. The group is great my motivation is seriously lacking, must make amends for that problem. But right now my head space really isn’t focused on getting my degree, especially as I haven’t even registered for it … yet. Note to self.. register for your degree!!!!

Another note to self, deep tissue massages cause bruising, so if you don’t want to look like you have been in a fight or fallen over in a drunken stupor, don’t opt for deep tissue. My lower back whilst all bruised feels great.. shame about my neck.

Before I sign this off for the weekend and see if the October forecasts are up at www.astrologyzone.com, I thought I would put a comment here about relationships. They are hard…. difficult and at times frustrating.  Friendships are easier to maintain but when a relationship (from many moons ago) turns into a friendship, you can’t guarantee that their new partner will be accepting. My ex is coming for a wedding that we will be at, his wife and family come too, but after deleting him, I wonder how this event will go. Sigh… I think I might just go and have a quiet weekend on a beach somewhere and just not worry about anything except for me. Wandering up and down a beach leaving footprints sounds like a better way to spend my time than worrying about husbands, ex boyfriends, family or life in general.

Good girl

What thoughts do you associate with the words, “good girl”.  I find it as a woman quite a demeaning term, and I generally take offence. Maybe if someone says it once then it is ok… but more than once in the same phone conversation and the steam starts to fly out my ears.

Of course when you are in a situation where you want everything to be rosy, you never express to the person saying, “good girl” how annoyed you are at that expression. This unfortunately, means my gutt feeling is that this lovely week of fulfillment (emotionally) and tenderness is about to come crashing down around my ears.  AGAIN! Shame really as I cleaned up too, and that doesn’t happen very often.

This week I heard on the radio a discussion about girls who stay with / attracted to males who treat them badly, all the callers are like, noooo never! Well I would like to say this… the nice ones, the gentlemen, the keepers … never seem to stick. The ones that aren’t the best well they stick around, and why do we put up with their crap, because they show just a little bit of interest in us. As a female we need to be needed.

Speaking of the crap ones, I just culled a friend of 30 years from my life. It was part of me retreating from the world. He was good for me years ago, but in the last few years he has treated me like crap. I must say eventhough I was treated like crap by him, I kept going back for more crappy friendship. Well no more, I set off an atomic bomb, got called on it and instead of dealing with the situation, apologising and cleaning up the mess, I just pressed delete, delete, delete!

It is hard to delete and remove people from your life and there is a grieving process. But I have started reading a website tinybuddha.com It does have some good thoughts and it isn’t all about Buddhism either. I am learning that I need to forgive myself and start projecting what I want into the world.

On a completely different tangent, I am actually moving back to my marital home in approximately 2 months, where I will work side by side with my husband. This will be an interesting experience for both of us, not withstanding that I have no mechanical sense and I am being given a big machine to drive. Plus after years of not living together, we are going to live and work together… ahh the joys of married life.

Time to retreat

Well its time to press the retreat button…. It might not be the right solution but retreating for the next 7 to 10 weeks. In 7 weeks I have to move again and in 10 weeks I finish uni.

With so much going on it seems easier to press the retreat button, its not like I am giving up but self preservation (and a bit of self discovery) must be at the top of my list. I feel I keep making wrong decisions and getting into a bigger mess each time. I want to be positive, happy and smiling.  Feeling like I am moving towards a goal that I want to achieve and be on a path that I feel is the right one.

So with that in mind, I removed a friend of 30 years from my phone and facebook this morning who used me and lied to me, then blamed me when his lies came back to bite him. After 30 years of friendship (including 7 years of relationship) he never once asked how I was through all the issues I have recently experienced. So he just met with the delete button, so a bit of grieving has just started as he sees my parents as his second set of parents. Also his family are unimpressed with him. I accept responsibility for what I said, and the consequences of my actions, and the fallout but I deserve better!

Also seriously considering withdrawing the VRO to save me attending court and dealing with that mess at the end of this month. Better to withdraw that put myself through more stress. It isn’t what I want to do, but I have to pick my battles and this is one I am not prepared to fight, right now. I am sure he will see it as he has “won” but from where I sit everything feels like a loss.

My focus has to be on getting through uni, especially as it is a group assignment, deciding on where I am going to live for 2012. I am actually considering several options after uni, firstly moving back to rural Australia, staying put in the city finding my own place, or drastic measures – leaving on a jet plane. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger so the leaving on a jet plane option would be drastic, but I feel the need to be drastic.

Then there is the decision if I am going to try to have children in 2012, this is actually a really hard decision, as the success might not happen due to the nature of the IVF process. Of course there are many relationship issues to be considered out as well as if I decide to take the children path then it will influence the path I decide for myself.

Well my head hurts… I need to get some work done… and hope that some brightness can be found it what is currently a gloomy day.

These drastic decisions is the main reason for hitting retreat. I am sure there will be lots of tears and grieving over the next few months. Grieving might not be the right word but it feels like I am loosing myself and in this process of self discovery I might loose more of myself. Maybe I need to find a good self help book … it can’t be any worse than the self help I am giving myself right now.

Fantasy land still crumbling

Well I have been a responsible adult and thus I feel I am loosing any chance I thought I had of retreating to fantasy land. Yesterday I was enjoying day-dreaming about my fantasy land, then last night I was brought crashing back to reality.

When you feel unwell, as I currently do now (thanks to putting myself on a high does antibiotic and back on the pill), sympathy, love, attention, caring from your significant other is what one craves. Alas I received the “there there you’ll be alright”, tap tap on the shoulder. No real concern, or can I get you anything, is there anything I can do?

Can someone please explain to me why men (in particular) don’t seem to understand the importance of being proactive when they have a sick partner? Is it that they are wired differently or do I just pick the ones that don’t have a clue? After all these years, and it has been a significant number, he hasn’t changed. I know you can’t make a leopard change it’s spots but I thought that eventually I would be able to get him to see logic. Partner sick – take up the slack!

Now I am not sick, take me to hospital or doctor sick, I am “sick” due to the high doses of medication I am subjecting myself to. I am “sick” because I haven’t had more than 1 week to myself to do nothing for the last 5 years. I am “sick” because working full time, studying 52 weeks a year and running at least one, sometimes 2 businesses is exhausting. For 3 years I haven’t had a break from study / work / business and I have had enough. I am “sick” because all I wanted was for you to find that fluid stuff you put in cars for the steering and you told me to go to a shop.

So I have a friend who I am waiting to respond to my SMS, but because of aforementioned medication, female problems are now plaguing me, and I am not great company. I was looking forward to an evening of mentally stimulating conversation, laughs and fun. Guess that ain’t going to happen either…. farewell to fantasy land, hello reality, time to be an adult a bit longer and get on with the daily druge of life.

When you are wrong…

When you are wrong it is always important to admit it, the “we have to talk” I spoke about yesterday was all in my head. Now this is an absolute first but I must say it reminds us that our gut feelings can be wrong. But there is something still isn’t quite right. So maybe my gut feeling is predicting something, but only time will tell.

I also thought after all the late nights and hard work that I would fall into bed and sleep until at least 10am. WRONG!!! Why is it when you can curl up for hours on end and get some decent sleep your brain feels the need to wake you up nice and early. For me right now my sleep debt is so far in the red that no amount of extra sleep will restore it to neutral again. Whilst I have slept I feel just as bad as I have all week.

Exhaustion is a funny thing, it means you don’t even want to do things that you need to do or want to do. This week is going to be hectic and as per usual I am leaving things. Like today, I should have been out shopping for some gifts but alas I have decided that curling up in bed with a DVD at 11am is a better use of my time. Maybe I will fall back to sleep and wake up refreshed, who knows.

Speaking of DVD’s I am about to continue my journey through Ally McBeal… those wishing to judge, the big red x on the top right hand side of this window is a great place to start. I watched this for the first time in my early 20’s and now revisiting the series in chronological order.  I should add for those that are a little emotionally bruised it really isn’t the best viewing entertainment, remind you of how bruised you really are.

But I sometimes like to torture myself and today is no different. So whilst the sun is shining, and the weather is just divine, I will put my fan on (so I stay cool), find some blankets to wrap myself up in (so I feel safe), grab the tissues just in case and see if I can find a way to smile again. Then spend my evening being a conscientious student.. final subject for my degree and I am going to make sure I get there, on time and with little stress, which means … working regularly at it!

Who invented Mondays?

I am over Monday’s, it really didn’t help when I didn’t come to work on Friday. To be honest it makes it hard every day to come to work, when I really dislike what I am doing. Note to self… accounts are not my friend, just because I can do them doesn’t mean I should.

My excuse on Friday was justified, at 7am I was at the front door of my chiropractor, I have pinched a nerve in my neck. Now firstly this would be my fault for not attending the chiropractor regularly, and secondly because I spend too many days hunched over at a computer. During the last week I would estimate, including work I spent in excess of 70 hours at a computer… too many hours and now I am paying the price.

My weekend was spent also hunched over at the computer trying to bash out an assignment that was on it’s second extension. Finally this morning I sent it off, of course I have another paper to be submitted before I play catchup to get on track with my final subject. That reminds me, someone please make sure I get certified copies of my qualifications, otherwise I can’t register for my degree and time is running out.

I need to find some fun and joy in my life right now, I keep saying it but still it hasn’t happened. Right now I want someone else to be the responsible adult and for me to be well not so responsible. Saying that I have been very irresponsible recently, I know what it is… rebellion. Not an attractive thing at my age, but I am acting like a naughty 18 year old again, actually strike that naughty 16 year old again.

Well back to the grind I go, with a fun evening of typing yet more rubbish for uni, and take-out for dinner, that is if I survive the rest of my day at work…. it is going to be a loooooooooooong day.

5 long months

Well it has been 5 long months since I was last here and really I wonder if it is possible to even summarise how difficult these months have been.

Firstly I lost my beach house for the year, due to the flatmate from hell. Still have a pending court date to be dealt with, but realistically I used the law to find a way out of aforementioned hell. After moving to my parentals I have a few weeks I ended up moving to student housing as a short term solution. After moving houses 5 times and with a 6th on the cards, I feel like a hobo with belongings scattered now between 4 houses. Still my attempt to live in one house for 12 months hasn’t materialized.

On the work front, currently as I type this I am sitting in a job that I HATE! Not having enough work or work that can be completed without someone else’s input is just exhausting. Every day I count down the minutes until I can go “home”. Of course home isn’t my true home, I wonder if that place actually exists.

Weight loss .. ha ha ha very funny idea. I did get myself a Wii Fit but alas that is now in storage… the motivation lasted for about 4 weeks before my life fell apart and I was deemed homeless.

Speaking of being homeless I would like to note that the legal system is an arse… who forces the abused person onto the streets… that would be our system. Archaic and rigid, with the focus on victimising the victim… off my high horse now.

Uni … 13 weeks, yes that’s all I have left to finish my degree. Of course the ability to finish my degree depends on me getting this last two assignments from a previous subject finished.. at this rate it will be summer school for me.

And last but not least love and life… well life hasn’t been treating me very kind recently, its been a long 5 months. I did get “picked” up in a club by someone who thought I was 26… alas I am not, but flattering and he even took me to dinner. Relationships are hard, long distance ones are harder. Especially when one partner feels down trodden, overlooked, and used, even if that isn’t the case.

I have taken to trying to put myself first, and as I was told recently…. I need to love myself. Unfortunately if anyone knew me… loving myself can often become self-destructive. Interesting since I started putting myself first… the men are flocking to be at my side, sometimes as friends and sometimes not. I must find a balance between loving myself and not letting me allow to drop an atomic bomb on my world, because there is no second chances from the devastation of dropping an atomic bomb on your world.

But sometimes, just sometimes you don’t need an atomic bomb to lifts your spirits. Entering into the “war zone” even if it is only for a few hours, you can feel like the most beautiful, important and intellegent person in the world. The problem is with entering into the “war zone” is that each time you enter, you risk your life, security, and sometimes you venture too far out of the green zone and when you go to far into the red zone, someone else might see what is happening and fire their own atomic bomb at your and then there is no going back … or so they say.

Catching up

It seems to be a theme in this modern life, you always seem to be chasing your tail and catching up at every turn. At what point do you put yourself first? Recently I was in that situation and decided that maybe for once … just once … would put myself first. The downside of this is that catching up is right back at the top of the agenda. The time when I just run from moment to moment, juggling everything and then get to the end of a week (or each day) and find that the list really isn’t any shorter, I am exhausted and there has been no time for myself.

This week my flatmate has had visitors staying with us. As a consequence we have lost our TV room which is always a great place for some much needed “me time”. In this day and age the need to sloth on the couch has become a staple of my R&R activities. Often it doesn’t matter what is on .. just that there is something on that is attempting to entertain me.

It may be a female thing but I have noticed that females, in particular married females, often don’t put themselves first. It seems that this, what could be considered a selfish act, is actually sometimes the only way to survive. At the moment my life is presenting new and interesting problems everyday. Each day I strive to solve them, sometimes in very long winded and abstract ways, and each day I find my personal “me” time taken away from me.

Take study for example, I am undertaking a degree, in a long winded approach to being in a career that can be used in the country on the farm. Of course, it would be simple to take a TAFE Diploma and work in Patient Care in a hospital for example, but that is just not me. Whilst the end result will be an education qualification but instead of taking an Accounting degree which would be practical and useful to the farm, I took a Bachelor of Arts with focus on technology, much more enjoyable.

But whilst the content of my study is enjoyable to me at times, like right now, I have a major assessment overdue, whilst life continues at 100 miles and hour around me, adding more to my to do list with each passing hour. So right now I will sign off and finish this final assessment, whilst working from my bed. Sometimes you need to think outside the box to gain some much needed comfort and me time. Now to find some more cushions so I am feel like I am floating on a fluffy white cloud  … whilst being mundane and finishing this assignment.

 

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