Another year has nearly passed

It’s weird to think that it’s been nearly a year since I was here and so much has changed in my life. Right now I am sitting at the edge, trying to keep my head above water and not keep everyone else happy.

what I have learnt this year is its important to make yourself happy otherwise eventually your cup is empty and you have no more to give. Also. I’ve spent time learning more about my heart and how I love. It’s unique to say but I have two very important men in my life, both I love with such deepness and dedication it’s humbling. To know these men trust me unconditionally and love me unconditionally is huge.

Health wise I am playing that yoyo game and back to where I was at the beginning of the year.

December 31, 2013

Well hello to the morning of the last day of 2013, this morning talking (and assisted with last nights entertainment) has made finally seen the full circle complete.

So this is how (minus the entertainment) I will be starting my days, minus the smoking and minus the caffiene, getting to know not only myself but 2014 as well. Not on that verandah because it will soon belong to someone else, but I will always fondly remember that steel grey blue walls and decking fondly. It was a morning I will never forget, we spoke honestly again, I felt comfortable, that sparkle came back. Finally I can walk away feeling content that the right people are looking out for him and that he is being kinder to himself.

This morning I made a slip saying good riddance to 2003 instead of 2013. Today is the end of a long 19 year cycle, when a new moon will greet the new year with us. The circle is complete but all the lessons from 2013 and the past 19 years haven’t all fully shown themselves, but Im working on that.

My parting gift to myself for 2013… 6 weeks in a retreat when the inner and outer journey will collide. Tonight I will see what the night shall bring me but as always I will face it with a smile, alone, with friends (old or new) or in dream world 2014 will be my year, not because I made a resolution but because I am worthy. Sometimes I don’t believe it but after enough people saying it for the last 2 years, either their record is broken or it’s time to believe in my own self worth and face the world, with open heart and mind.

Season Greetings

That should cover everyone. Don’t mind if you do or don’t celebrate, I’m a little of both whilst comprehending the religious concept, and that other religious have different viewpoints or don’t follow it, have something different, or abstain, enjoy the summer season.

Really not a good person around the holidays, trying to not celebrate but ensuring everyone has somewhere to be. We came back from the city to ensure everyone had somewhere to share a meal for Christmas. It was nice only the three of us, but right now I am in no shape to entertain, left it up to my long suffering husband. Wasn’t feeling too bad until I saw my foot. Really should learn to stumble better, and I wasn’t even drunk. 

Finally I properly cleaned out my wound (2 days later), recovered and will leave for two days. The karma I get back for helping out a friend with his wound and back, lets see if mine heals as nicely.

2013 is about to draw to a close, my job is to relax and walk the beach, trying to cut down on my smoking, relaxing reading books, drinking good coffee. Preparing myself for complete limitation in the coming weeks on caffeine, no cigarettes, hard exercise and seminars on being healthy with a good dose of tough love. Only 72 hours to go until my journey begins.

Owl

Reading a post on Facebook I was excited to see some gaelic and was about to show off my new word when the meaning was read.

I always look forward to seeings owls, they make me happy, but in so many cultures they are bad, evil and associated with sorcery.

Its is the fact they are so silent that I admire their magestic features and beautiful face.

Eachto their own, I will just let each moment shared with these night wanders be a blessing and uplifting experience.

Just because its on Facebook its doesn’thave to be aspired to.

Taking care of yourself but not hiding

There is a fine line between hiding from life and ensuring that you allocate, guilt free, time to recharge your batteries. This week two points in time crossed and 12 months had passed since the two had spent time actually catching up. The similarities were that we for a period of time were only capable of taking care of ourselves, other people relied on us (one in a more significant way than the other) and we struggled to accept help from others. Finances ruled in the year gone past, one struggling one being completely frivolous under the guise of ‘me time’ but blown to all extravagances. 

The vast difference was whilst one person, really was surrounded by people who loved him, family in the traditional and non-traditional, the other was sent/allowed/coerced/instigated floating like a breeze with no fixed plans, in hiding from family ensuring they couldn’t help as slowly she died inside. Extravagance a cry for help, someone to hold her and allow those walls to crumble and the beauty from inside shine. For these two people whose lives intersected for a period of time, now must part ways, tides have changed, but without this crossing of lines, growth would never have been achived on both sides. 

But during those times of passing, they have confided, shared and uplifed each other. Then as time, and lives move on, one finds where their heart lies, in family not always the traditional kind, but a blending, the other bound by tradition and desperately fighting at its boundaries. Surrounding himself, even if initially with reluctance, those who really care, he lets them in. She now knows she can only be an hour of distraction, a ship passing in the night, rarely gracing the shores and will become as time continues to pass will become a relic of the past.

She works herself into a frenzy and then vanishes, but never wanting to fully vanish, somehow throwing words, to the universe, hoping they find resolution. Never stopping to slow down and think, never being able to find the words, to fully explain her world. Unable to find that connection that she thinks exists but doesn’t. She calculates based on the known and decides that the unknown can be left to the cosmos the decide. The future, will only show if the web will hold or disentegrate before her eyes, check mate on the game will be played. Despite her arrogance, she knows, no one can outplay the universe. 

The resolution she so desperate seeks, doesn’t lie in a song she can relate to all the words and see your face. The answer will not be found in a far-away land if you are hiding from your reality. But to escape and be free as a bird, to soar, to laugh, to be still, to be uplifted, to be invigorated lets that spark start to remerge. As the age of junkets draws to a close, one must hold onto the memories, the compliments, the looks and remember it with fondness. She threw away the tinket that she thought would hold all answers, leaving it with the ones who are here now, holding the strength and deserving of your love.

She threw herself towards the bottom of the heap, not caring about what tomorrow may bring. More careless than carefree but finding solace and resolution in that one place. Always wishing for more time, never wanting to be more than a few meagre belongings and happy, because comfortable comes with an ache that nothing can fill. She wants the fairy tale, but those that she has tried to cast are never what she needs because she took what was on offer rather than finding the right fit.

 

The Wedding

Bones, the wedding between Seely Booth and Temperance Brennan. YES!

The ceremony is going on and she makes a point of to beng given away as property. I was the same at my wedding, but not so directly.

Beautiful,words Booth… And of course Temperance, you do speak with your mouth. But those words were writAnn and spoken from the heart.

The Wall

A wall can mean many things in different circumstances. To steal a line (that I can,t remember’ from a movie on the Rom Channel … The (insert latin or greek or some other relevant language here) Greek have 13 or 14 different ways to say love, and English has one.

Wall is the same, I have an emotional wall, physical wall like the one that holds up your house. The ‘wall of paperwork’ or the ‘wall of washing’.

Then there is ‘the wall’. A location within my parents house that holds awards, academic awards. It’s become a game in my household in which pieces of paper are collected and mounted upon this wall. It makes my parents proud and keeps them somewhere safe.

In order to finally get ‘one more’ certificate on the wall, my Saturday will be filled with organising a portfolio to gain another certificate. Interestingly the lowest on my academic statement another Vocational Certificate to broaden, yet again, my scope of qualification.

One month to go before another year is wound now, the ups and downs of the last 4 years. Four years filled with planes, trains and automobiles, I can even legally drive one now. From living in glitz and glamour to camping in soggy waterlogged field, from business class to bogan class, Ive done it all. Weather boards to a brick and tile, inside a transportable box to luxury apartment living. Surrounded by. Mountains of belongings, spread across 3 houses to 23kg of luggage to sustain me for a month. Finding my items in storage facilities, displayed in perfect locations to back sheds under tarpaulins.

Well no more time for wishful thinking, it’s noose to the grind and a day of study and domestic bliss.

What a way to start the day…

After a busy day getting supplies yesterday, conquering 800 miles in one day. I feel set for that run to the end of 2013 as they set up the christmas mince pies. Yes people that holiday is fast approaching. Eeeeeeeek.

This morning I have risen with the morning sun….had my coffee with a nip and lots of cream…..mmmmmmm. As a rule I generally don’t drink, but I’m over it today.

So for fun, and just for fun, the rarely drinker, is having an irish coffee breakfast instead of a champagne breakfast. There is no way I can drink champers of any sort!!!! With a leisurely grains and fresh fruit platter to graze on as the morning starts and the sun rises,..

Or…. I can go grab the washing, hang it out…Throw together some cereal and eat whilst working on the computer, Then keep working on the computer whilst eating fruit.

Gen X get into Bitstrip on Facebook

Its official, my time is now taken up considering the latest Bitstrip someone has made and posted to Facebook. There is a huge uptake in those Gen X’s wanting to hold onto their youth, continually move with the times. 

 

For the record, no at this time I do not have it installed, Considering my digital footprint everday, does it really matter if I create, with the large amount already out there, I can just borrow one if I feel the need. 

Quitting

Not impressed, quitting makes me grumpy and irritable. Its time I know but now, standing here right now … not happy Jan!

It’s the right thing to do, but its my vice. We should all have one right. Smoking a cigarette at my back computer is something that I enjoy.

My last blog post (for the forseeable future) where I don’t type in my back office with a lit cigarette, so it can all be cleaned and return to being my ‘creative cave’ minus the smoke

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