When you are wrong…

When you are wrong it is always important to admit it, the “we have to talk” I spoke about yesterday was all in my head. Now this is an absolute first but I must say it reminds us that our gut feelings can be wrong. But there is something still isn’t quite right. So maybe my gut feeling is predicting something, but only time will tell.

I also thought after all the late nights and hard work that I would fall into bed and sleep until at least 10am. WRONG!!! Why is it when you can curl up for hours on end and get some decent sleep your brain feels the need to wake you up nice and early. For me right now my sleep debt is so far in the red that no amount of extra sleep will restore it to neutral again. Whilst I have slept I feel just as bad as I have all week.

Exhaustion is a funny thing, it means you don’t even want to do things that you need to do or want to do. This week is going to be hectic and as per usual I am leaving things. Like today, I should have been out shopping for some gifts but alas I have decided that curling up in bed with a DVD at 11am is a better use of my time. Maybe I will fall back to sleep and wake up refreshed, who knows.

Speaking of DVD’s I am about to continue my journey through Ally McBeal… those wishing to judge, the big red x on the top right hand side of this window is a great place to start. I watched this for the first time in my early 20’s and now revisiting the series in chronological order.  I should add for those that are a little emotionally bruised it really isn’t the best viewing entertainment, remind you of how bruised you really are.

But I sometimes like to torture myself and today is no different. So whilst the sun is shining, and the weather is just divine, I will put my fan on (so I stay cool), find some blankets to wrap myself up in (so I feel safe), grab the tissues just in case and see if I can find a way to smile again. Then spend my evening being a conscientious student.. final subject for my degree and I am going to make sure I get there, on time and with little stress, which means … working regularly at it!

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That sinking feeling

All week I have looked forward to the coming week, having plans and really enjoying life. Then you get that sinking feeling when you look at your phone, that has barely survived its meltdown, and you see a text. When you read between the lines of what it says, they could have just written, “we need to talk”. It isn’t that “we need to talk because I have wonderful, exciting news and can’t wait to share it with you”. Its the “we need to talk” in which you know that disappointment is around the corner.

Unfortunately in this specific situation… I think I did the scaring off, which is fine. I say the word “fine” dripping with all the sarcasm and infliction that means the person saying it is at the polar end of fine. Unfortunately for the readers of this blog you are going to have to read between the lines quite often.  Maybe one day you will read a piece of fiction and remember this blog, and go hmmmm. 

Many a time I have been told to write down “the story of my life”. My life has been filled with twists, turns, unusual situations. Not all of these situations have been of my own making… but many a time they have. I never aspired to be a writer, having all those words to allow the reader to be taken into my “fantasy” world and imagine what it could have been like, those type of words escape me. But maybe I will write it for myself, use one of those new self publishing sites and buy myself a copy and know I am published, even if the only purchaser is myself.

But I digress as per usual, the sinking feeling is still there and I suspect in exactly 20 mins when I said I can accept a phone call, the “we need to talk” will come true. Life is an accumulation of memories and experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. Life always continues to go on.. I refuse for it not to. The ride of my life continues, a bit like a never ending roller coaster, with highs and lows. But for what its worth, despite the highest peaks and the lowest lows…. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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