The Wall

A wall can mean many things in different circumstances. To steal a line (that I can,t remember’ from a movie on the Rom Channel … The (insert latin or greek or some other relevant language here) Greek have 13 or 14 different ways to say love, and English has one.

Wall is the same, I have an emotional wall, physical wall like the one that holds up your house. The ‘wall of paperwork’ or the ‘wall of washing’.

Then there is ‘the wall’. A location within my parents house that holds awards, academic awards. It’s become a game in my household in which pieces of paper are collected and mounted upon this wall. It makes my parents proud and keeps them somewhere safe.

In order to finally get ‘one more’ certificate on the wall, my Saturday will be filled with organising a portfolio to gain another certificate. Interestingly the lowest on my academic statement another Vocational Certificate to broaden, yet again, my scope of qualification.

One month to go before another year is wound now, the ups and downs of the last 4 years. Four years filled with planes, trains and automobiles, I can even legally drive one now. From living in glitz and glamour to camping in soggy waterlogged field, from business class to bogan class, Ive done it all. Weather boards to a brick and tile, inside a transportable box to luxury apartment living. Surrounded by. Mountains of belongings, spread across 3 houses to 23kg of luggage to sustain me for a month. Finding my items in storage facilities, displayed in perfect locations to back sheds under tarpaulins.

Well no more time for wishful thinking, it’s noose to the grind and a day of study and domestic bliss.

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Generation Z is always connected …

“Generation Z is always connect

Reference: BETHANY HIATT, The West Australian Updated September 15, 2013, 2:27 pm

http://au.news.yahoo.com/thewest/a/-/wa/18937016/generation-z-is-always-connected/

This….really, not again! For once finding that one exact scholarly paper for a submission and this one needs to pop up.

This year is looking slim, but where is that one academic paper that will bounce my research proposal into play. Firstly the cost benefits of doing a research degree appeal to me, hello zero. The cost of education in Australia suffers many disparities and thus a predetermined amount will be repaid over time, hopefully within this decade.

Living in a rural setting to become socially isolated in an electronic cottage for some becomes part of one’s habitus. For generation Z, those aged now between 4 and 18 its all documented.

At least not all my dumb stuff is online, some ‘proof’ only lies in memories, maybe one significant moment in a photo album.

But with everything at their fingertips a post in a Teacher support group asked a class, “Me (to my 8th graders on an enrichment half day at warm up time): “So, this teacher group I belonged to had a post about kids not getting the right answer to a problem and I want to know if it’s your generation or if it was a local problem.”
Them (in the palm of my hand and intrigued): “What problem?”
Me: “What is the correct response to this statement: I’ve got chills.”
One boy, questioning and with a grin, “They’re multiplying?” Me: smiles
Two girls, in song, “And I’m losing control….” Me: “There’s hope for your generation, now let’s get started.” So, to the earlier poster, my experiment proved it was an aberration. This generation does know the “classics”. “

Time to retreat

Well its time to press the retreat button…. It might not be the right solution but retreating for the next 7 to 10 weeks. In 7 weeks I have to move again and in 10 weeks I finish uni.

With so much going on it seems easier to press the retreat button, its not like I am giving up but self preservation (and a bit of self discovery) must be at the top of my list. I feel I keep making wrong decisions and getting into a bigger mess each time. I want to be positive, happy and smiling.  Feeling like I am moving towards a goal that I want to achieve and be on a path that I feel is the right one.

So with that in mind, I removed a friend of 30 years from my phone and facebook this morning who used me and lied to me, then blamed me when his lies came back to bite him. After 30 years of friendship (including 7 years of relationship) he never once asked how I was through all the issues I have recently experienced. So he just met with the delete button, so a bit of grieving has just started as he sees my parents as his second set of parents. Also his family are unimpressed with him. I accept responsibility for what I said, and the consequences of my actions, and the fallout but I deserve better!

Also seriously considering withdrawing the VRO to save me attending court and dealing with that mess at the end of this month. Better to withdraw that put myself through more stress. It isn’t what I want to do, but I have to pick my battles and this is one I am not prepared to fight, right now. I am sure he will see it as he has “won” but from where I sit everything feels like a loss.

My focus has to be on getting through uni, especially as it is a group assignment, deciding on where I am going to live for 2012. I am actually considering several options after uni, firstly moving back to rural Australia, staying put in the city finding my own place, or drastic measures – leaving on a jet plane. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger so the leaving on a jet plane option would be drastic, but I feel the need to be drastic.

Then there is the decision if I am going to try to have children in 2012, this is actually a really hard decision, as the success might not happen due to the nature of the IVF process. Of course there are many relationship issues to be considered out as well as if I decide to take the children path then it will influence the path I decide for myself.

Well my head hurts… I need to get some work done… and hope that some brightness can be found it what is currently a gloomy day.

These drastic decisions is the main reason for hitting retreat. I am sure there will be lots of tears and grieving over the next few months. Grieving might not be the right word but it feels like I am loosing myself and in this process of self discovery I might loose more of myself. Maybe I need to find a good self help book … it can’t be any worse than the self help I am giving myself right now.

Another weekend gone… nothing has changed

Well I have farewelled another weekend and instead of staying in bed with my trusty DVD I accepted an offer of dinner from a couple of friends. This was actually good for me except I partook in a few alcoholic beverages, and then had to excuse myself for a phone call that was really important to me.  Unfortunately since that phone call on Saturday night there has been silence, and I yearn for a friendly supportive voice on the end of my phone. Guess my poetic side has been showing from either a) too much Ally McBeal or b) too much self pity.

Uni is back behind and I discovered a “you have not completed your task” email from the current leader of our group. This week isn’t good for me but I must commit to catching up tonight, otherwise they might start calling me names. Right now I am emotionally vunerable so I must make sure I don’t put myself in a situation where I end up in tears, over my final uni subject.

This weekend I have also nearly completed a sewing project for a friend, that must be delivered next Friday. Plus she just added to the project arrrgghhh Pressure!!!!! But of course I thrive on pressure right? We all thrive on pressure, right?

Right now I want to be held and made to feel safe and placed on a pedastall, without a care in the world. Unfortunately that is not my reality, and I suspect not anyone I know or anyone reading. But we can only dream.

Oh and reality has just come crashing down, urgent things piling up on my desk, guess I have to return to my current reality. Shame really I was just starting to drift into my fantasy world, where I want to make my fantasy’s turn into reality… oh that’s right, that’s only in fairy tales. And to date I haven’t had a fairy tale come true…. yet.

When you are wrong…

When you are wrong it is always important to admit it, the “we have to talk” I spoke about yesterday was all in my head. Now this is an absolute first but I must say it reminds us that our gut feelings can be wrong. But there is something still isn’t quite right. So maybe my gut feeling is predicting something, but only time will tell.

I also thought after all the late nights and hard work that I would fall into bed and sleep until at least 10am. WRONG!!! Why is it when you can curl up for hours on end and get some decent sleep your brain feels the need to wake you up nice and early. For me right now my sleep debt is so far in the red that no amount of extra sleep will restore it to neutral again. Whilst I have slept I feel just as bad as I have all week.

Exhaustion is a funny thing, it means you don’t even want to do things that you need to do or want to do. This week is going to be hectic and as per usual I am leaving things. Like today, I should have been out shopping for some gifts but alas I have decided that curling up in bed with a DVD at 11am is a better use of my time. Maybe I will fall back to sleep and wake up refreshed, who knows.

Speaking of DVD’s I am about to continue my journey through Ally McBeal… those wishing to judge, the big red x on the top right hand side of this window is a great place to start. I watched this for the first time in my early 20’s and now revisiting the series in chronological order.  I should add for those that are a little emotionally bruised it really isn’t the best viewing entertainment, remind you of how bruised you really are.

But I sometimes like to torture myself and today is no different. So whilst the sun is shining, and the weather is just divine, I will put my fan on (so I stay cool), find some blankets to wrap myself up in (so I feel safe), grab the tissues just in case and see if I can find a way to smile again. Then spend my evening being a conscientious student.. final subject for my degree and I am going to make sure I get there, on time and with little stress, which means … working regularly at it!

Catching up

It seems to be a theme in this modern life, you always seem to be chasing your tail and catching up at every turn. At what point do you put yourself first? Recently I was in that situation and decided that maybe for once … just once … would put myself first. The downside of this is that catching up is right back at the top of the agenda. The time when I just run from moment to moment, juggling everything and then get to the end of a week (or each day) and find that the list really isn’t any shorter, I am exhausted and there has been no time for myself.

This week my flatmate has had visitors staying with us. As a consequence we have lost our TV room which is always a great place for some much needed “me time”. In this day and age the need to sloth on the couch has become a staple of my R&R activities. Often it doesn’t matter what is on .. just that there is something on that is attempting to entertain me.

It may be a female thing but I have noticed that females, in particular married females, often don’t put themselves first. It seems that this, what could be considered a selfish act, is actually sometimes the only way to survive. At the moment my life is presenting new and interesting problems everyday. Each day I strive to solve them, sometimes in very long winded and abstract ways, and each day I find my personal “me” time taken away from me.

Take study for example, I am undertaking a degree, in a long winded approach to being in a career that can be used in the country on the farm. Of course, it would be simple to take a TAFE Diploma and work in Patient Care in a hospital for example, but that is just not me. Whilst the end result will be an education qualification but instead of taking an Accounting degree which would be practical and useful to the farm, I took a Bachelor of Arts with focus on technology, much more enjoyable.

But whilst the content of my study is enjoyable to me at times, like right now, I have a major assessment overdue, whilst life continues at 100 miles and hour around me, adding more to my to do list with each passing hour. So right now I will sign off and finish this final assessment, whilst working from my bed. Sometimes you need to think outside the box to gain some much needed comfort and me time. Now to find some more cushions so I am feel like I am floating on a fluffy white cloud  … whilst being mundane and finishing this assignment.

 

The beginning of another weekend

It is weird but every weekend my body clock allows me less than an hour sleep in, whilst my flatmate can somehow get a three hour sleep in. That is what I find so unfair especially as the art of sleeping in used to be my forte. Since when did the universe decide that sleeping in was not going to be in my future.. bah! Of course when it is planned to be awake within a hour of normal waking up time (630am for those who are interested) I would never make it without an alarm.

This weekend due to exhaustion it was decided that the trek back to the farm wouldn’t happen. Based on my husbands post on my Facebook page it seems he wasn’t overly happy with this decision. It is difficult living such a distance away from each other, but right now my sanity is most important along with staying rested, especially if sleep debt cannot be caught up on the weekend. Next week I will head back to the farm, it is easier when they give you “hump day” also known as Wednesday off for a public holiday. It will be bliss only 4 working days, but the bank balance won’t be too happy.

But really, when is the bank balance ever happy? The Suze Orman show is one of my favourites that I used to watch via Foxtel (but we have disconneted it due to high costs) but now I download her podcasts, which are full versions of her show, because it is effectively free!. She really hammers home that we should all have an 8 month emergency fund. This seems so unachievable to have enough money put aside so the bills can be paid for 8 months if there was a lack of income. It is a goal but not one that I can see happening in 2011 but I will be watching the pennies even more closely this year.

So enough about money, I have completed my morning ritual of waking up, reading the paper and having breakfast and now it is time to get motivated for the day. Really need to do some washing but the flat mates washing is still on the line and at 10am it doesn’t look like he is going to be rising anytime soon. Guess I will start cleaning up a bit around the house and getting the washing started, you never know he might just wake up when the vacuum cleaner gets started up.

PS:  Sunday is a 9am Aqua Balance class, and hopefully a trip to the beach! My husband really needs the beach it was 40 degrees Celsius at 6am this morning and only getting hotter, lets hope he stays cool in the pool and air conditioning watching movies it is too hot for anything else.

PPS: That essay that I wrote whilst relocating and moving scraped in at 57% which is fine, I am just glad to have passed.

PPPS: Yes I know I am not writing a letter 🙂

 

 

The weekend is over :(

Why are Monday’s such a struggle? Monday’s and I don’t get along, it is always such an effort to drag yourself into a new week. I am sure there are those people who love going to work but really can anyone enjoy their job that much? I miss the days when I had flexibility to work when I wanted to work and be able to do some “fun” stuff during the week. Like bottling up 6 cartons of beer … I complain whilst doing it but I actually quite enjoy it.

I have also lost my car for the next few days and already I miss my black van. It is nice to just jump into your car and go somewhere. Also finding it harder as my husband is down. Before anyone starts screaming I am enjoying having him down but I am such a bore. Between work, study and general household stuff I am not really around much. But it is really lovely of him to come down and drive me to and from work, otherwise instead of about 40 mins a day travelling it will be more like 90+ mins on public transport.

The lack of easy transport (because I don’t have a manual licence and the vehicle down here is) my exercise isn’t going to well. On Sunday morning I nearly made it to a class but I was foiled by sheer exhaustion from moving. That is my excuse and I am sticking to it. Hopefully towards the end of this week and into next I can get into the swing of going to do some exercise.

At least some consolation is that I have been making healthy lunches and trying to be a bit more responsible. Speaking of responsible, there is one cigarette left in my packet and only one can of real coke since I gave up. Not a perfect record but at least I am giving it a go and not punishing myself when I get it wrong.

But one thing I am doing is getting myself to bed nice and early every night … hopefully the extra rest is helping with those brain cells and motivation.

We have been reunited.

Well my belongings … well the main stuff … and I have been reunited in our beach house, which I will be now calling home for the next 12 months. My home will always be the farm because that is where my husband is and is the only stable residence I have known for about 4 years? But for me on my 2011 journey the beach house will be home.

My husband brought down my belongings and the most important thing … a bed! After 5 nights attempted sleep on an air mattress I will have my bed again. It isn’t the bed ever bed slept in but it certainly delivers a good night sleep. Moving is such a stressful thing, especially when you are moving away from your partner.. he has been so good and helpful, not only moving me but helping out with my flat mate.

Another reunited that has happened today is with my friends cat. I have lived with his cat over the years and she has even lived with me when he was unable to have her where he had moved to. She is now 17 and is one of the reasons that I also own a Russian Blue. The cat I am coexisting with me is called Belief. I am sure that she has a “full name” but can’t tell you what it is 😦

My essay … because it is due in only a few days is sitting at a few hundred words. Tomorrow there is a brunch for my grandmother, so it is going to be one of those last minute essays. In my defense, in planning there was plenty of time.. in reality … it didn’t exist. Along with the essay being completed there hasn’t been a trip to the beach. It is only 1km away and since moving in, even if it was yesterday after work, still haven’t gone to dip a toe in.

Returning to the workforce

Well today I ventured back into a real office, and an open plan one no doubt. I forgot what working in a “temp” role was like. Arrrghhh first day jitters, fumbling my way around learning new systems and adapting to the corporate way.

This is the first time that I have had a car and a drivers licence, not working in the CBD and what is the problem you wonder, parking!!! Whilst the parking is free and it takes 1/3rd of the time to get there if you can find a park! Right now the last thing I wanted to face was public transport. The friend that I was staying with wasn’t home when I got up, so it was a nice quiet start to my first day, and I must admit driving was one way to enjoy every last minute I had left.

Of course the benefit to a car is the ability to wash away the feeling of working by jumping into the ocean. As per typical lines.. I stupidly start a casual conversation with someone to find an attack of “6 degrees of separation”. Must learn to stop taking to random strangers it just leads to another oh do you know… “blah blah blah” with the reply always being, “yes”.

Just in case you were wondering… (not that many of you would be)… my essay is up the proverbial creek without a paddle. It isn’t happening… moving is looming closer … I am working and what isn’t done.. that blasted essay. Internet and TV, something that would normally interest me but alas I am just blah about the whole thing.

And finally before I go to try that essay … I want to be in my new house!!! ARRRRGGHHHHH

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