Feeling worthy

Feeling worthy is something that has been an ongoing struggle for my entire adult life. Its been a bitter pill to swallow and even when directly told I am worthy a small part of me never believes it. My personality is large, my physique is large but under all that noise and presence is a very insecure girl. Whilst a woman and moving steadily into the 2nd act of my life (over 30) and after being told repeatedly by people that I am worthy, 2014 will be getting my inner beauty to match my outer beauty and believing that I am worthy.

Self worth and self confidence whilst would appear to exist together I am proof that self confidence has nothing to do with how you perceive your self worth. Just because I appear confident and together behind closed doors and in the quiet of my own thoughts, I start to believe that I am not worthy of good things.

In order to change this 2014 is about not only being healthy in body, but also in my mind and soul. Believing in myself, not only to achieve my goals and conquer new things and believing that I am worthy of happiness. Whilst not everything in life can be a bed of roses it is time to make a conscious decision to do things from a place of happiness.

2012 was a year of doing what made me happy, as I would describe it. This wasn’t overly successful as whilst doing things that gave short term benefit it was not helping me develop my feeling of self worth over the long term. Whilst I was smiling more, my soul was not being nourished, my self worth was going down, because I was putting on yet another band-aid to my problems.

To be worthy of anything one must first believe in their own worth. To explain in words how one can describe their own self worth I will leave to the experts. For me the first step is walls, my walls have taken a beating over the last few years. In some places they are reinforced, in others they are starting to crumble and I keep working on breaking through them every day.

My first job is to understand why I carry my weight and why I have been dragging it around with me for so long.

 

 

And another year of rambling begins

Its taken me a few days to work out exactly what to write for the first post of 2014, so many ideas and not enough energy to get them down. I’m blaming the solar flares but deep down its also because I am scared.

The start of 2014 was the most bizarre situation culminating in me skippering the couple I never thought I would see together. Ironically I had met her before…. if the aftermath means our paths never cross, whilst my heart will be heavy it will be complete. He takes me to places that I never think I can go, brings down walls, makes me feel alive.  He only did what he knew I was ready for, I did ask if she knew I existed. Now he helped put faces to the names, galant, dangerous, and has my friend base split 50/50.

Some think that is was horrid that he asked me to drive him and his date to her house. Well technically he said lift home, but never said whose. Yes, it would have been nice to spend some time with him, but not 2am been out all night. I would rather keep my memories intact with a great ending to 2013 (albeit a day early) and my ‘last’ NY kiss was his.

So this second day of 2014 allowed me to create new routines, including reading, swimming and beach walking. Returning to old haunts for my traditional, ‘one nutritious meal’ a week but instead of journal articles it was a good book and a vodka spiked LLB. Now I round out the evening with good music, the last few chapters of Book #4 and the incoming tide under the stars.

As happy as I am there is something missing……… I need to find that last puzzle piece.