Bored… bored… bored in the concrete jungle

Well I know that we normally sing, George, George, George of the jungle look out for that tree, but with a lack of trees and no one here called George but we do have a bored in residence I thought it might make a catchy title for today’s blog post. My work is completely dull, there is no other way to describe my position… actually there is another way… seat warmer! I keep this seat warm and that is about it. Answer the odd phone call were 99% of the calls really don’t want our office and people just keep hanging up. I create maybe one document a day… and spend most of my time surfing the net and listening to the radio.

My life has been dull and the highlight of my Thursday night is doing at least two loads of laundry to be caught up and have clean clothes to wear to work on Friday. So really there isn’t anything exciting to report. My final unit is worse than pulling hen’s teeth…. for those studying the last unit is the hardest… not because of the subject matter but because after all these years working towards the goal, you get over it, and I am over it. On the sad side there the oncampus students I am living with are all starting to move out, of course it’s always the fun ones that move first.

As this year starts to wind up I am hoping to find a cheap getaway holiday to somewhere warm and sunny for a week to give myself a week of relaxation, whilst completing my final uni assignments. I doubt it will actually happen but you never know my luck, maybe I will find that cheap overseas getaway in the sun and bash out my last few assessments so I can finish the study period early rather than later. Still need to register for my degree, so I better get onto that quick smart, with only a few weeks to go before the uni year is finished.

Well guess I should go back to pretending to do some work, it is what they are paying me for. Going to try and bunk off work two hours early tomorrow… there is a really good game of rugby starting at 230pm.

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Another day another dollar…

Or so the saying goes, not like I particularly care about the dollar or trudging my way through another day at the grindstone. This working thing really isn’t all its cracked up to be, I have a list of things that I should be doing but instead I have found myself surfing the net, playing on my phone or singing along to the radio in my head, and now I am blogging. With just over 4 weeks before I finish this job, as much as I am not a country type girl the thought of not having to get dressed for work and come to an office and be bored all day is sounding mighty appealing.

What isn’t appealing is as the weather warms up again, I move further away from the beautiful blue ocean. A long hot summer at the beach is really what I want to be doing, but alas it isn’t looking possible yet. Once the harvest is finished the question is should I be heading back to the coast to enjoy the last few months of summer or should I stay closer to my husband? I know at the farm I have my husband, a swimming pool (note this is a poor subsitute for the beach) and my beloved furbabies, but its isolated. ** sigh ** more decisions to be made but I am not making them right now. At least my current employer is advertising my position as a casual one so there is a chance I can get it back if I decided to move back.

Also, at the rate I am going, if I don’t pull my finger out I will be still be studying next year. Who could have imagined that one unit could be doing my head it soooooooo badly. I think that because it is a group one that makes it just a little bit harder, the guilt of not giving 100% isn’t worth it. Lucky at least my group is happy to pass, we are all over this study game, passing is all I need. Oh note to self… register for the degree… you finish in like 6 weeks!!!

Well suppose I should try to look like I am achieiving something constructutive right now, considering I have just under 45 minutes before I finish for the day, and at the rate I am going, if I don’t keep busy I will fall asleep at my desk. It was naughty of me to deliberately set myself up in the corner so I could surf the net in peace and quiet, before we go onto the real network which will be monitored.

Tonight is shopping night, so I need to conserve my energy to find a dress for a friend’s wedding in a few weeks, not that I want to buy a new dress, but the ones I currently own are considered a little too low cut for this wedding, shame really, its good to torment my ex, with a revealing outfit.

Good girl

What thoughts do you associate with the words, “good girl”.  I find it as a woman quite a demeaning term, and I generally take offence. Maybe if someone says it once then it is ok… but more than once in the same phone conversation and the steam starts to fly out my ears.

Of course when you are in a situation where you want everything to be rosy, you never express to the person saying, “good girl” how annoyed you are at that expression. This unfortunately, means my gutt feeling is that this lovely week of fulfillment (emotionally) and tenderness is about to come crashing down around my ears.  AGAIN! Shame really as I cleaned up too, and that doesn’t happen very often.

This week I heard on the radio a discussion about girls who stay with / attracted to males who treat them badly, all the callers are like, noooo never! Well I would like to say this… the nice ones, the gentlemen, the keepers … never seem to stick. The ones that aren’t the best well they stick around, and why do we put up with their crap, because they show just a little bit of interest in us. As a female we need to be needed.

Speaking of the crap ones, I just culled a friend of 30 years from my life. It was part of me retreating from the world. He was good for me years ago, but in the last few years he has treated me like crap. I must say eventhough I was treated like crap by him, I kept going back for more crappy friendship. Well no more, I set off an atomic bomb, got called on it and instead of dealing with the situation, apologising and cleaning up the mess, I just pressed delete, delete, delete!

It is hard to delete and remove people from your life and there is a grieving process. But I have started reading a website tinybuddha.com It does have some good thoughts and it isn’t all about Buddhism either. I am learning that I need to forgive myself and start projecting what I want into the world.

On a completely different tangent, I am actually moving back to my marital home in approximately 2 months, where I will work side by side with my husband. This will be an interesting experience for both of us, not withstanding that I have no mechanical sense and I am being given a big machine to drive. Plus after years of not living together, we are going to live and work together… ahh the joys of married life.

Time to retreat

Well its time to press the retreat button…. It might not be the right solution but retreating for the next 7 to 10 weeks. In 7 weeks I have to move again and in 10 weeks I finish uni.

With so much going on it seems easier to press the retreat button, its not like I am giving up but self preservation (and a bit of self discovery) must be at the top of my list. I feel I keep making wrong decisions and getting into a bigger mess each time. I want to be positive, happy and smiling.  Feeling like I am moving towards a goal that I want to achieve and be on a path that I feel is the right one.

So with that in mind, I removed a friend of 30 years from my phone and facebook this morning who used me and lied to me, then blamed me when his lies came back to bite him. After 30 years of friendship (including 7 years of relationship) he never once asked how I was through all the issues I have recently experienced. So he just met with the delete button, so a bit of grieving has just started as he sees my parents as his second set of parents. Also his family are unimpressed with him. I accept responsibility for what I said, and the consequences of my actions, and the fallout but I deserve better!

Also seriously considering withdrawing the VRO to save me attending court and dealing with that mess at the end of this month. Better to withdraw that put myself through more stress. It isn’t what I want to do, but I have to pick my battles and this is one I am not prepared to fight, right now. I am sure he will see it as he has “won” but from where I sit everything feels like a loss.

My focus has to be on getting through uni, especially as it is a group assignment, deciding on where I am going to live for 2012. I am actually considering several options after uni, firstly moving back to rural Australia, staying put in the city finding my own place, or drastic measures – leaving on a jet plane. Unfortunately I am not getting any younger so the leaving on a jet plane option would be drastic, but I feel the need to be drastic.

Then there is the decision if I am going to try to have children in 2012, this is actually a really hard decision, as the success might not happen due to the nature of the IVF process. Of course there are many relationship issues to be considered out as well as if I decide to take the children path then it will influence the path I decide for myself.

Well my head hurts… I need to get some work done… and hope that some brightness can be found it what is currently a gloomy day.

These drastic decisions is the main reason for hitting retreat. I am sure there will be lots of tears and grieving over the next few months. Grieving might not be the right word but it feels like I am loosing myself and in this process of self discovery I might loose more of myself. Maybe I need to find a good self help book … it can’t be any worse than the self help I am giving myself right now.

5 long months

Well it has been 5 long months since I was last here and really I wonder if it is possible to even summarise how difficult these months have been.

Firstly I lost my beach house for the year, due to the flatmate from hell. Still have a pending court date to be dealt with, but realistically I used the law to find a way out of aforementioned hell. After moving to my parentals I have a few weeks I ended up moving to student housing as a short term solution. After moving houses 5 times and with a 6th on the cards, I feel like a hobo with belongings scattered now between 4 houses. Still my attempt to live in one house for 12 months hasn’t materialized.

On the work front, currently as I type this I am sitting in a job that I HATE! Not having enough work or work that can be completed without someone else’s input is just exhausting. Every day I count down the minutes until I can go “home”. Of course home isn’t my true home, I wonder if that place actually exists.

Weight loss .. ha ha ha very funny idea. I did get myself a Wii Fit but alas that is now in storage… the motivation lasted for about 4 weeks before my life fell apart and I was deemed homeless.

Speaking of being homeless I would like to note that the legal system is an arse… who forces the abused person onto the streets… that would be our system. Archaic and rigid, with the focus on victimising the victim… off my high horse now.

Uni … 13 weeks, yes that’s all I have left to finish my degree. Of course the ability to finish my degree depends on me getting this last two assignments from a previous subject finished.. at this rate it will be summer school for me.

And last but not least love and life… well life hasn’t been treating me very kind recently, its been a long 5 months. I did get “picked” up in a club by someone who thought I was 26… alas I am not, but flattering and he even took me to dinner. Relationships are hard, long distance ones are harder. Especially when one partner feels down trodden, overlooked, and used, even if that isn’t the case.

I have taken to trying to put myself first, and as I was told recently…. I need to love myself. Unfortunately if anyone knew me… loving myself can often become self-destructive. Interesting since I started putting myself first… the men are flocking to be at my side, sometimes as friends and sometimes not. I must find a balance between loving myself and not letting me allow to drop an atomic bomb on my world, because there is no second chances from the devastation of dropping an atomic bomb on your world.

But sometimes, just sometimes you don’t need an atomic bomb to lifts your spirits. Entering into the “war zone” even if it is only for a few hours, you can feel like the most beautiful, important and intellegent person in the world. The problem is with entering into the “war zone” is that each time you enter, you risk your life, security, and sometimes you venture too far out of the green zone and when you go to far into the red zone, someone else might see what is happening and fire their own atomic bomb at your and then there is no going back … or so they say.

Saturday nights in…

Can a Saturday night spent in be fun? The short answer, NO! After a day of cleaning and getting organised spending the night in seems more like a punishment than a reward. My boredom was so high that I decided to make some garlic bread for the freezer. So now I have garlic bread in the freezer, my washing done, the house clean and still nothing to do.

When I am hiding out in the country these bouts of boredom don’t seem to happen as much. Maybe it is because the country is my real home. Transition housing is really painful, it reminds me of boarding school, when you went where is “x” and you know that it is at home, because you either a) forgot to bring it b) it was too big c) you didn’t think to pack it. At the moment there isn’t that much of my stuff here with me, which was evident with the ease in which I moved.

Gone are the boarding school days when you had a ute and a crate at your disposal and continued to pack until it was evident that there was too much stuff … again. When I travel my suitcase is overflowing, for my 21st Birthday I went to Bali leaving with 17kg of luggage and returning home with 37kg of stuff! Over the years I am getting better but still overpacking is a curse.

Another curse that I have recently discovered is the ability to store a collection of crap in ones car. Firstly, it should be noted that after watching an episode of Oprah seeing what people can store in their cars, my curse is no where near those monumental piles of crap. But still, there were clothes that I never unpacked that stayed there for 2 weeks. Nearly there was an unnecessary purchase of clothing that was just hanging out in the car. At least I wasn’t as bad as the people on Oprah who had to re-purchase presents that were “lost” in the car.

At least there is only 40 minutes left of this enthralling Saturday night in. Tomorrow is a new day starting with an Aqua Class at 9am, but at least this is the easiest class … Aqua Balance … it is all about the Zen and being in the water moving gently… and knowing my luck it will be in the heated pool so by the time it finishes I will be heading off to swim a few laps to cool down.

The peace and tranquility of Saturday

It is weird but for me I like a peaceful Saturday morning … whilst Sunday is “the day of rest” for me Saturday mornings are just important. After a long week at work I like to sit quietly on a Saturday and just potter around the house. Today is my first real Saturday just pottering and it feels bliss.

My flat mate is still asleep and I have been floating around for the last hour and a half. Spoke to my husband who arrives in the city for about 3 days tomorrow. (Note to self: buy beer). Went and bought the paper and started the dishwasher. The rest of the morning will be spent just pottering and might even throw on a load of washing or two to get the sheets done.

This afternoon will be a bit more eventful with a trip to the stores to buy some makeup for work. The not wearing of makeup (which I am a fan of) is not looked on particularly fondly in a corporate work environment, the cult I have rejoined after many years. But if the ATO will not allow makeup as a tax deduction .. how rude … it is generally only purchased for work and the very occasional night out.

Whilst I am in the city it will be good for myself and my husband to go out more and socialise. This weekend he wanted me to play in a lawn bowls twilight event, it is actually good fun and last year I think we won or nearly won it. But I just wanted one more weekend to get organised and not have to face the 240km trip each way. It is hard because it is just so far and Saturdays are so enjoyable and I really don’t think I could do it on a Friday night after working all week. So hopefully over the next year I can put together some nice going out ideas that don’t cost the earth because the budget is stretched really tight now.

We have been reunited.

Well my belongings … well the main stuff … and I have been reunited in our beach house, which I will be now calling home for the next 12 months. My home will always be the farm because that is where my husband is and is the only stable residence I have known for about 4 years? But for me on my 2011 journey the beach house will be home.

My husband brought down my belongings and the most important thing … a bed! After 5 nights attempted sleep on an air mattress I will have my bed again. It isn’t the bed ever bed slept in but it certainly delivers a good night sleep. Moving is such a stressful thing, especially when you are moving away from your partner.. he has been so good and helpful, not only moving me but helping out with my flat mate.

Another reunited that has happened today is with my friends cat. I have lived with his cat over the years and she has even lived with me when he was unable to have her where he had moved to. She is now 17 and is one of the reasons that I also own a Russian Blue. The cat I am coexisting with me is called Belief. I am sure that she has a “full name” but can’t tell you what it is 😦

My essay … because it is due in only a few days is sitting at a few hundred words. Tomorrow there is a brunch for my grandmother, so it is going to be one of those last minute essays. In my defense, in planning there was plenty of time.. in reality … it didn’t exist. Along with the essay being completed there hasn’t been a trip to the beach. It is only 1km away and since moving in, even if it was yesterday after work, still haven’t gone to dip a toe in.

Hello … beach house

Well I am officially into my new house. Standing here all alone (yes standing as no chairs or table as yet) I wish I could just afford to rent the whole house myself. For the first time in nearly 7 years I will share a house with someone who isn’t my husband and the last year I lived primarily alone for work reasons.

Also right now I am missing my bed. It will have been 5 nights that I slept on an air mattress and also worked 4 days. It really isn’t nice not having “my” things around me and being comfortable.  On the plus side my room has the most amazing wardrobe… I went to BigW and did a spot of shopping for some things for it.

Half way through I have walked out to sit on my front lawn and watch the traffic at the lights. I can’t remember the last time that I just sat and chilled out for 5 mins watching the world go by. During 2011 I must remember to take some time out to just chill even if for 5 minutes.

So instead of writing my essay I am organising my new wardrobe. Standing up right now is hurting my feet which isn’t surprising considering I have no where to sit down except for the floor. The rest of my furniture (including my bed) arrive tomorrow. My world consists of a laptop and internet (yes, I like to get my priorities right), an air mattress, clothes and the car.

Better get back to organising my wardrobe… because if I am not going to write the essay that is due on Monday at 9am I might as well do something constructive.

Returning to the workforce

Well today I ventured back into a real office, and an open plan one no doubt. I forgot what working in a “temp” role was like. Arrrghhh first day jitters, fumbling my way around learning new systems and adapting to the corporate way.

This is the first time that I have had a car and a drivers licence, not working in the CBD and what is the problem you wonder, parking!!! Whilst the parking is free and it takes 1/3rd of the time to get there if you can find a park! Right now the last thing I wanted to face was public transport. The friend that I was staying with wasn’t home when I got up, so it was a nice quiet start to my first day, and I must admit driving was one way to enjoy every last minute I had left.

Of course the benefit to a car is the ability to wash away the feeling of working by jumping into the ocean. As per typical lines.. I stupidly start a casual conversation with someone to find an attack of “6 degrees of separation”. Must learn to stop taking to random strangers it just leads to another oh do you know… “blah blah blah” with the reply always being, “yes”.

Just in case you were wondering… (not that many of you would be)… my essay is up the proverbial creek without a paddle. It isn’t happening… moving is looming closer … I am working and what isn’t done.. that blasted essay. Internet and TV, something that would normally interest me but alas I am just blah about the whole thing.

And finally before I go to try that essay … I want to be in my new house!!! ARRRRGGHHHHH

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