December 31, 2013

Well hello to the morning of the last day of 2013, this morning talking (and assisted with last nights entertainment) has made finally seen the full circle complete.

So this is how (minus the entertainment) I will be starting my days, minus the smoking and minus the caffiene, getting to know not only myself but 2014 as well. Not on that verandah because it will soon belong to someone else, but I will always fondly remember that steel grey blue walls and decking fondly. It was a morning I will never forget, we spoke honestly again, I felt comfortable, that sparkle came back. Finally I can walk away feeling content that the right people are looking out for him and that he is being kinder to himself.

This morning I made a slip saying good riddance to 2003 instead of 2013. Today is the end of a long 19 year cycle, when a new moon will greet the new year with us. The circle is complete but all the lessons from 2013 and the past 19 years haven’t all fully shown themselves, but Im working on that.

My parting gift to myself for 2013… 6 weeks in a retreat when the inner and outer journey will collide. Tonight I will see what the night shall bring me but as always I will face it with a smile, alone, with friends (old or new) or in dream world 2014 will be my year, not because I made a resolution but because I am worthy. Sometimes I don’t believe it but after enough people saying it for the last 2 years, either their record is broken or it’s time to believe in my own self worth and face the world, with open heart and mind.

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2013 is nearly over…

Well with 2013 nearly over, embarking on a new journey seems written in the stars and in my life. Travelling has become a big focus for me recently, yet again travel to the East Coast beckons.

This is a year of rebirth for me, moving toward my next goal, its tiring. But what I am enjoying is reflecting on all that 2013 and previous years right back to being 18 have given me.

24 hours I will be sitting on a plane waiting to travel the 2800 miles to my new location for the next few months. It will be a struggle but its something I am prepared to give my all. Now to finally tell my family what is happening, on the day of my departure, not looking forward to it at all.

 

Season Greetings

That should cover everyone. Don’t mind if you do or don’t celebrate, I’m a little of both whilst comprehending the religious concept, and that other religious have different viewpoints or don’t follow it, have something different, or abstain, enjoy the summer season.

Really not a good person around the holidays, trying to not celebrate but ensuring everyone has somewhere to be. We came back from the city to ensure everyone had somewhere to share a meal for Christmas. It was nice only the three of us, but right now I am in no shape to entertain, left it up to my long suffering husband. Wasn’t feeling too bad until I saw my foot. Really should learn to stumble better, and I wasn’t even drunk. 

Finally I properly cleaned out my wound (2 days later), recovered and will leave for two days. The karma I get back for helping out a friend with his wound and back, lets see if mine heals as nicely.

2013 is about to draw to a close, my job is to relax and walk the beach, trying to cut down on my smoking, relaxing reading books, drinking good coffee. Preparing myself for complete limitation in the coming weeks on caffeine, no cigarettes, hard exercise and seminars on being healthy with a good dose of tough love. Only 72 hours to go until my journey begins.

Owl

Reading a post on Facebook I was excited to see some gaelic and was about to show off my new word when the meaning was read.

I always look forward to seeings owls, they make me happy, but in so many cultures they are bad, evil and associated with sorcery.

Its is the fact they are so silent that I admire their magestic features and beautiful face.

Eachto their own, I will just let each moment shared with these night wanders be a blessing and uplifting experience.

Just because its on Facebook its doesn’thave to be aspired to.

Taking care of yourself but not hiding

There is a fine line between hiding from life and ensuring that you allocate, guilt free, time to recharge your batteries. This week two points in time crossed and 12 months had passed since the two had spent time actually catching up. The similarities were that we for a period of time were only capable of taking care of ourselves, other people relied on us (one in a more significant way than the other) and we struggled to accept help from others. Finances ruled in the year gone past, one struggling one being completely frivolous under the guise of ‘me time’ but blown to all extravagances. 

The vast difference was whilst one person, really was surrounded by people who loved him, family in the traditional and non-traditional, the other was sent/allowed/coerced/instigated floating like a breeze with no fixed plans, in hiding from family ensuring they couldn’t help as slowly she died inside. Extravagance a cry for help, someone to hold her and allow those walls to crumble and the beauty from inside shine. For these two people whose lives intersected for a period of time, now must part ways, tides have changed, but without this crossing of lines, growth would never have been achived on both sides. 

But during those times of passing, they have confided, shared and uplifed each other. Then as time, and lives move on, one finds where their heart lies, in family not always the traditional kind, but a blending, the other bound by tradition and desperately fighting at its boundaries. Surrounding himself, even if initially with reluctance, those who really care, he lets them in. She now knows she can only be an hour of distraction, a ship passing in the night, rarely gracing the shores and will become as time continues to pass will become a relic of the past.

She works herself into a frenzy and then vanishes, but never wanting to fully vanish, somehow throwing words, to the universe, hoping they find resolution. Never stopping to slow down and think, never being able to find the words, to fully explain her world. Unable to find that connection that she thinks exists but doesn’t. She calculates based on the known and decides that the unknown can be left to the cosmos the decide. The future, will only show if the web will hold or disentegrate before her eyes, check mate on the game will be played. Despite her arrogance, she knows, no one can outplay the universe. 

The resolution she so desperate seeks, doesn’t lie in a song she can relate to all the words and see your face. The answer will not be found in a far-away land if you are hiding from your reality. But to escape and be free as a bird, to soar, to laugh, to be still, to be uplifted, to be invigorated lets that spark start to remerge. As the age of junkets draws to a close, one must hold onto the memories, the compliments, the looks and remember it with fondness. She threw away the tinket that she thought would hold all answers, leaving it with the ones who are here now, holding the strength and deserving of your love.

She threw herself towards the bottom of the heap, not caring about what tomorrow may bring. More careless than carefree but finding solace and resolution in that one place. Always wishing for more time, never wanting to be more than a few meagre belongings and happy, because comfortable comes with an ache that nothing can fill. She wants the fairy tale, but those that she has tried to cast are never what she needs because she took what was on offer rather than finding the right fit.

 

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